A gentle reminder on this gorgeous Friday from my friend and yours, Pawnee Councilwoman Leslie Knope…
I think Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec is probably one of my favorite characters on TV. We share an affinity for waffles, to be sure.
Happy Friday!
A friend of mine recently shared a really interesting link on Facebook. The link leads to an article on Huffington Post entitled 23 Things Every Woman Should Stop Doing and as a recovering woman’s magazine addict and lover of lists, I couldn’t resist clicking.
I clicked, I read, and then I realized that even though the list is about ways to make your life better, it’s a list of NO NO NO and it’s a list geared toward woman who are, as usual, doing it all wrong. So I reworked it in two ways:
1) This is a list based on 23 things to which you can say YES YES YES. If you want.
–and–
2) This is a list that applies to everyone– woman, man, or somewhere in between. Because good things are good things, no matter who or what you are.
So, shall I commence with the list?
Yes. Yes I shall.
23 Things That Everyone Should START (or keep or try or hate me for) Doing
1) Accept responsibility when at fault. Accepting responsibility is the first step, IMHO, to achieving forgiveness and understanding. When you are truly at fault, no matter how hard it is to admit it and apologize, it is totally worth the effort. And although I know many, including the author of the original 23 things article, would disagree, I think it’s ok to say “sorry” out of sympathy too. I hate it when someone tells me something sad/bad/unpleasant/whatever, I say sorry, and then they snap back: “what are you sorry for?! it’s not like it’s your fault!” Maybe not, but I can still be sorry that things are tough for you. No harm in saying so.
2) Say “yes” when you mean it and be willing to say “no” sometimes too. For many of us, time is the most limited and precious resource we have. There are only so many hours in the day and only so many days in our life… so let’s say a resounding “YES!” when something sounds good, necessary, and/or important, and a polite, “No, thank you” when it doesn’t.
3) Take time for your own priorities and give yourself permission to act in your own best interest. One of the things that is good, necessary, and/or important, and therefore deserves that resounding “YES!” from you is… well… you. It’s really hard to take care of others if you’re not taking care of yourself. And if taking care of yourself means you miss a coffee date or your lawn doesn’t get mowed, so be it.
4) Eat the food. End of sentence. Food serves many purposes, nutritional, of course, but in our society, food also serves important social and emotional purposes and unless your emotional needs are met by lettuce and you’re BFFs with a colony of rabbits (which I have reason to believe I may be– so many babies!), then probably you’re going to eat more than just veggies on occasion. I’d really rather not get into a big debate about the value of any one way of eating, but I do know that everything tastes better without the side of guilt and tall glass of shame that tends to accompany so many delicious things.
5) Acknowledge positive body attributes, internally and externally. Perhaps you’re not in love with your body, but you have to admit: it got you out of bed this morning, didn’t it? (Dang it– are you reading this in bed?! Well then, be grateful for your eyeballs, wise guy.) It’s capable of hugging (I said capable! that doesn’t mean it has to regularly hug), smiling, laughing, thinking, being, and those are all things worthy of acknowledgement, regardless of how you look, or in many cases, think you look. So: shout out to you, thighs! Way to walk me into work this morning!
6) Recognize and celebrate personal and professional accomplishments. You know that thing you did? That was cool. Way to go. Now repeat that to yourself, it’s ok.
7) Accept a tagged photo, even an “unflattering” one, as a compliment. So, you did something with someone, they took a picture of you doing it, and now they’ve put it online and tagged you… Dang! You must be someone pretty cool and pretty loved because someone cared enough to do something with you, take the photo, upload the photo, and tag you in it! That’s a lot of steps. I call that a compliment to you!
8) Recognize that someone’s virtual story is not their whole story. Most people don’t share everything online (clearly, I am not most people) and it’s totally reasonable that our natural tendency would be to put our best face forward. Most people don’t feel the need to tell the world that they crapped their pants. I get that. But remember, just because someone didn’t post on Facebook that they crapped there pants, they may have actually crapped their pants. You can’t possibly know. So remember that the next time you are jealous of someone’s online presence– they may have crapped their pants.
9) Let go of regrets and guilt. I talked about my friend Nate recently and he lived his life by this motto, for sure. He got a tattoo when he turned 18 that said “No Regrets” and figured that even if he messed something up, he’d just do it better the next time. Simple, right? Obviously not. But perhaps you can try when reflecting on “mistakes” to put on your Emily-colored glasses and be a little kinder to yourself.
10) Wear whatever shoes you feel like wearing. Heels will kill you! Fit flops will tone your rear end! You can’t be a real doctor without Danskos! What. Evs. Just wear the shoes you want to wear, for whatever reason you want to wear them (comfort, color, cuteness…), and get on with your life. They’re just shoes.
11) Live and 12) let live– sexually. Sex… is… private. That is all. You sex-life is none of my business and mine is none of yours. I like 50 Shades of Gray (slut!) and I like Beverly Lewis books (prude!), neither of those things tell you a dang thing about me, except that I like to read fiction. A lot. So that’s it, just live and let live, and don’t worry so much about other people– what they do or what they think about you.
13) Be genuine. It’s ok to be mellow about something when you’re “supposed” to be upset. It’s also ok to be upset. But failure to be genuine about your feelings is dishonest to yourself and to others.
14) Embrace the label “crazy.” The most out-there, paradigm-shifting ideas are the ones that tend to change the world. People will always try to undermine or dismiss you, but if you are passionate about an idea, keep putting it out there, and be crazy if crazy is what it takes. Maybe even blog about crapping your pants. Crazy can be cool. (Crapping your pants cannot. I’m sorry.)
15) Use WebMD as a starting point. The internet is FULL of medical information, some good, some bad, some in between. It’s certainly not a bad place to start if you’ve got some mysterious symptoms or ongoing ailment. Of course, it’s generally a good idea to call a medical professional if you think you might have a serious problem, but sometimes the internet can be a great place to start when you want to generate questions for your provider. And a good provider will take the time to answer your questions and to make sure you are fully informed.
16) Be inspired by Pinterest… if you feel like it. I love Pinterest! Sometimes my attempts to recreate what I find turn into absolute Pinstrosities, but sometimes my Pinspiration bears fruit and I end up with something awesome. Sometimes I just like looking at the pictures. Regardless of the source, Pinterest or otherwise, there’s nothing wrong with seeking out inspiration… I’m not really sure why people get so angry about it. I don’t think the point of the site is to tell you that you should be able to recreate these things. No one used to get mad at me for my binders full of recipes and pages torn from magazines. Same thing, right?
17) Relish alone time as a chance to “Treat Yo’ Self!” I’m an introvert (I think, but it’s been a while since I’ve done the Myers-Briggs), so I recognize that this one is a little easier for me than it is for other people, but alone time can be really, really nice. (Just ask a mom, right? (No, I am not a mom.)) Being alone is the perfect time to, as the folks on Parks and Rec say, treat yo’ self! Perhaps you want to dress up as batman, paint your toe nails with pretty designs, sit and stare at a wall for half an hour, read a good book, try something you saw on Pinterest… whatever, now’s your chance! Treat yo’ self!
18) Engage in and maintain meaningful and positive romantic relationships. In the original article, the author talks about not jumping into a relationship just because you are scared of being alone. Ok, maybe. But I don’t think most of us are aware enough at the beginning of a relationship to realize that that’s why we’re doing it. (You can trust me on this, I last started a relationship when I was 18… 11 years ago, so clearly, I’m an expert on dating. That’s sarcasm.) But when you are in a relationship, maintaining something meaningful and positive is totally worth your while. (That, I can actually attest to!)
19) Take advantage of vacation days. You are given PTO for a reason. Use it. Even if you need to use it just to go get a mammogram and a colonoscopy– use it! (And get your mammogram if you’re over 40, colonscopy if you’re over 50.) Time away from the office, whether it’s a full on vacation or just a little stay-cation, can feel really, really good. (Yes, coming back can feel pretty crappy, but it was going to feel like that anyway.)
20) Engage and maintain meaningful and positive friendships. In the same church service where I heard the idea of the tapestry, the priest also said that true friends aren’t made, they’re discovered. And I couldn’t agree more. It’s true, you can try to cut people out of your life if they are “toxic,” but that seems to naturally happen when you work on cultivating and maintaining positive friendships. (If it doesn’t work, then what you have is probably not a friend, but a stalker. Seek help.) (Also, I know “frenemies” are a bad thing, but they make for a darn good movie– love Mean Girls!!)
21) Spend intentional, rather than obligatory, time with people. You will enjoy it more and so will the people you are spending time with. If they are just an obligation, they will probably know, and that’s not very nice.
22) Be proud of the things that make you you. I am not embarrassed that I really like dinosaurs and get passionate about women’s health. Those things are not necessarily “cool” (as in: they are not cool), but they are my genuine interests and I just don’t see the point in cultivating something as an interest just because it’s cool, nor being embarrassed about the things that actually do interest me.
23) Let life happen on its own timeline. Life is messy and it is long. We are where we are when we are and there’s not a lot you can do about that. I’ve seen people try to force it (myself included) and it really doesn’t work out as well that way.
So there you have it. It’s essentially the same list, it just bothers me to be told NO. It bothers me to be told I’m doing it wrong. It bothers me that someone makes a list to tell me all the different ways I’m doing it wrong. Especially 23 times in a row.
And perhaps, ultimately, all 23 of these big, fat, yeses (is that seriously a word? no red squiggly underline… must be!) boil down to the very thing I said yesterday:
If you see something nice, say something nice. And do something nice. (I didn’t say that part yesterday.) To yourself, to others. Kindness as the human condition. I like that.
The Department of Homeland Security has a public service campaign it calls “If You See Something, Say Something” for the purposes of raising public awareness about indicators of terrorism and terrorism-related crime. Makes sense to me– we can’t always assume that someone else is going to see the same thing we saw. And if they do, we can’t assume that they’re going to do something about it.
But I think this idea can apply to a lot more than anti-terrorism measures, and I propose the following:
Seriously, does anything feel better than a heart-felt compliment? An expression of gratitude? So why not tell someone when you like their dress, think they did a good job speaking in a meeting, got something done faster than you expected, looked really beautiful or happy or glamorous or clever in a photo on Facebook? What’s the harm in saying something nice?
I’m not suggesting that we all walk around with a false “you look lovely today” on our lips, but I know that nice thoughts pop into my mind all the live-long day and it seems silly to waste such happy thoughts on my brain, marinating in its juices all alone in my thick skull all the time. Why not share the thought and take a chance on making someone’s day just a bit better?
When I first started toying with the idea of starting a blog, I really wanted to make it a positive place. In fact, my original working title was “This is a Positive Blog.” Of course, that was before the whole tapestry idea came about and I’m glad it did, because I like that much better. Regardless, this is a positive blog. And I want to be a positive force in the lives that I touch. There’s enough negativity out there to go around.
So what do you say? Will you join me in my crusade for kindness? My goal of goodness? (My attempts at alliteration???) It’s as easy as saying out loud the thought that’s already in your head. Piece of cake! Piece of delicious cake…
Pie is deeeeelicious. And under normal circumstances, I would certainly encourage seconds… seconds with whip cream. (And that’s wHip cream– emphasis on the H.) Especially if that pie is pumpkin.
Humble pie, while metaphorically pie, is a different beast. And it is the one pie situation in which seconds are most certainly not encouraged. Just a sliver will do.
According to the Wikipedia page, humility is generally considered a virtue and I can see why. To be humble is to recognize that you’re not perfect, and that’s an important thing to recognize. (Unless you are perfect, but then we ought to talk about your God-complex.)
What concerns me about humility is that, at least among many of the women I know, humility has been taken to the extreme at the expense of confidence. And that makes me sad because I know some amazing women who really can’t seem to give themselves the credit they deserve.
The indispensable editor and all-around do-gooder concerned about not having “the” degree… the incredibly talented writer and animal expert who doesn’t think her experience counts for a dang thing… the mother, activist, and author who thinks no one cares about the children’s book she wrote… the nurse with over 30 peer-reviewed publications, a doctorate, and good ideas coming out of her ears who thinks she may not be qualified to lead her own research program……………..
Need I go on? Because I could. Easily.
I want so badly for these women to see themselves through my eyes. To get even a brief glimpse of how amazing they are. And not just because of the external accomplishments described above. But also because of the beautiful people they are, inside and out.
So maybe, just maybe, we could cut ourselves a smaller piece of that humble pie next time. Try to be ok with who we are, what we’ve done, and the good we add to the world. Because I can tell you, without a doubt, that you add good to my world and I am so grateful for that.
Living life by the golden rule is important– treat others how you would want to be treated. But for so many of us, I think we forget to treat ourselves with that same kindness. Perhaps you could start today. And let me know if you need some help. I can tell you why you’re awesome– easy as pie!!
I know you’ve been reading along since that first post because you couldn’t wait to find out how this blog is a silver lining… haven’t you? Well, the wait is over, my friend. I’m about to tell you that story.
I love my job. As I’ve mentioned before, I really didn’t even know such a job existed, but I also don’t know that I could have come up with any better of a fit for me if I tried. (And I mean legit job, things like beach bum and pina colada tester don’t count.) As this is my first real job out of school, I was a bit unsure how to react, though, when things got tough. Not the work itself, but the interpersonal dynamics of working in a team environment. (I know, could I be anymore vague? Just seems like a situation in which I ought to use a bit of discretion, putting it out there on the Internets and all…) Long story short, I took action, the poo hit the fan, things got craaaazy awkward and tense around the office, and a professional third party was called in to assist. I was pretty sure my life was over and work would be crappy forever and ever after. And that was the truth, for about 5 minutes.
The third party came in and I was resolved to keep my mouth shut. (Yeah, it’s like I don’t even know myself at all.) So naturally, when things got silent and awkward, I filled that space up with WORDS.
ALL OF THE WORDS!
My mouth was like, “Ha ha! Things may still be awkward, but at least that awful silence is GONE!” But my brain couldn’t respond because it had totally checked out. Yeah, this is a problem for me.
Except in this case, it really wasn’t. I talked. (Ok, let’s be honest, I suffered from a severe bout of verbal diarrhea. At least it was just the verbal kind.) But the good news is: it was contagious! (Again, it’s cool, it was only verbal.) And we all started talking and we had an honest and open dialogue and it was good. Even more importantly, my favorite third-party-man told me about an article he’d read in Time Magazine about Sheryl Sandberg and it sounded interesting to me so he routed it over the next day. Alarm bells went off all over in my brain (it had come back at this point)—I was excited! I logged on to Amazon, bought Sandberg’s book Lean In, had it shipped overnight (seriously, Prime, best thing ever), and then devoured it.
I highlighted the book. I called my mom and my sister and my friends from grad school and I made them all read it too. I read passages out loud to my brilliant sister-in-law and I forced everyone in my office to borrow my copy when I was done. I became an absolute Lean In zealot because I honestly believe it’s that important. It’s empowering to know that even the brilliant and successful Sheryl Sandberg feels many of the same insecurities that I feel. And she challenged me to do the things I would do if I weren’t afraid. This blog is one of those things.
So, as usual, I’ve rambled, and a recap may be in order:
Work. Trouble. Awkwardness. Third party. Dialogue. Lean In. Blog. Silver lining. Boom.
In addition to resulting in the conception and ultimate birth of this blog (waaaa!), I am grateful for the whole experience for several other reasons.
1) I am an extremely sensitive person by nature and this whole experience really thickened my skin. I endured a lot of crap in grad school and always expected that I would eventually develop that tough exterior, that I would stop taking things so personally, but I never did. Until now. My skin has grown so much tougher. (Of note: my skin has literally grown thicker. Just ask the nurse who did my IV before my endoscopy/colonoscopy. I believe her exact words were, “Oh! I’m sorry! Your skin is much thicker than I expected!” Totally worth the extra pinch to hear that!!)
2) My confidence in the work place has sky-rocketed! When I started, I was, to be blunt: mousy. (Which isn’t that cute on a girl as big as me…) I deferred to the opinions of others, rarely weighed in, and kept my head down as much as possible. I don’t feel the need to do any of that anymore. I express myself as calmly and professionally as possible, but I make sure that I am heard. (The THREE of you I called “nerds” today at work may disagree; that probably wasn’t a very professional thing to say. But you deserved it and you know it.)
3) I demonstrated to my co-workers that they can count on me and I know that I can count on them. We all went through this craziness together and although it wasn’t the ideal way to do it, I’d consider it a pretty good team-building exercise. I work with some seriously amazing people and I love them. I don’t know how I got so lucky!!
4) Finally, I learned that there are a lot of different ways to make things better– even when the system is fundamentally broken, and that’s an important lesson for me. Even when you can’t fix the problem, you can change your attitude and approach. And sometimes that’s enough. (At least in my limited experience, n = 1.)
So I guess my point is this: read Lean In. And then do it– lean in, you won’t regret it!
(And by “you won’t regret it” I mean: you probably won’t regret it. Who would have thought cloning dinosaurs would be such a bad idea? Not me… but that guy leaned in, and perhaps he should have leaned back. I think we can all agree that that’s a pretty extreme scenario.)
My husband and I have some extraordinarily (and I mean EXTRA-ordinarily) generous friends and were recently gifted Jawbone UP bands. It’s basically a bracelet you wear that tracks your activity and sleep patterns… and it’s awesome. (Well, mine has been awesome. The hubs seems to keep breaking his over and over and over again. Perhaps he’s too active or something. I haven’t had that problem.) Anyway, when you first get it you have to sign up for an account and when you’re all done signing up, this is what shows up on your screen:
Boom. Sexy data. I LOVE THAT! What a clever thing to say!! (And seriously, I’m so excited that I get to show off that screen shot right now!!)
And the best way to think about data??? GRAPH it! Everybody loves a good graph! (Don’t pretend like you don’t. Graphs are the bomb-diggity and you know it.)
My UP band graphs all sorts of things for me and it’s super fun to see patterns in my sleep and number of steps and such. (Apparently, I’m a bum on Fridays, but I go way over my daily goal when I mow the lawn. Good to know.)
So, when I started blogging my cousin Steven (well, he’s my mom’s cousin, my second cousin, but he’s an excellent blogger regardless) recommended the WordPress plug-in Jetpack to help me do lots of blog-like things, including… TRACK DATA! Yay!! More data!!
So, I’ve been watching visitors and views and clicks and searches and such over time, and I noticed an interesting pattern over the past two weeks:
(Yes, I removed the axis labels. Number of views is on the y-axis, date is on the x. The numbers themselves are irrelevant, but the pattern is interesting, isn’t it?)
Clearly, views are cyclic and they seem to decrease considerably on the weekend. I totally get that, I rarely check in on the virtual world from Friday night through Monday morning because I’m too busy interacting with the actual world (read: vacuuming my house, getting my laundry done, and sleeeeeeeping and sleeping and sleeping…) so based on these* data, I thought I might do well to change up my blog format just a touch. I’m thinking that I will focus on posting my primary material Monday through Thursday and then I’ll check in over the weekend with photos, short notes, and funny things.
BUT, I’ll save the real thought-provoking (and hilarious) stuff for during the week. Deal? Deal.
*You know you’re a scientist when… “these data” — not a typo 🙂
PS: I could have sworn there was a PhD comic at some point about how to get out of trouble with your advisor by making a graph. Did I imagine that? I couldn’t find it, even with the Google… anyone else know what I’m talking about?
Behold! The extreme homeliness that is my from scratch-scratch spaghetti sauce!!
I started with beautiful, fresh produce from my mother-in-law’s garden (because who else grows such lovely tomatoes and red peppers?!)
I roasted the veggies in the oven for a while with some garlic until my whole house smelled delicious!
Then I tossed the roasted veggies into the blender with some Italian seasoning. (Seriously: the Ninja. Best. Blender. EVER. And we’ve tried a lot of different crappy blenders.) (Was the blender necessary? For me– yes. I have major textural issues with food, especially tomato chunks. I never claimed to be normal.) Finally, I added some Italian sausage and sauteed spinach.
And voila!! Beautiful, delicious, oh-so-tasty, fresh-from-the-garden-except-for-spinach-from-the-freezer-case spaghetti sauce. So good!
Next steps:
1) Acquire boat load of tomatoes.
2) Learn to can.
3) Admire handiwork.
Recipe-free is the way to be! I love making it up as I go along… the results are almost always delicious!! And the process, while disastrous for my kitchen, is most certainly F-U-N! Fun!
Anyone interested in a spaghetti dinner?
(Yeah, this is not a food blog. Therefore, my pictures are going to suck. My process? Wipe hands on towel, find iPhone, snap photo, moving on… Nothing gorgeous, but oh-so-delicious.)
If you went to a typical American high school, you’re probably familiar with Homecoming. (If not, please see the movie Grease for a pretty accurate description– you know, the Rydell High pep rally.) At my high school we also had something called Coming Home and it wasn’t until I moved on and sounded like a confused weirdo talking about Coming Home that I realized that wasn’t exactly normal. Coming Home is essentially the basketball equivalent of Homecoming… except instead of a parade with floats for each class, we decorated halls in the school (on account of I grew up in Michigan and it was cold and snowy during basketball season). Every year there was a different themes for hall decorating and each class chose a theme within the theme to decorate their hall. Tons of fun, in my opinion, way to go LHS! (Although, despite the hours I remember spending drawing, cutting, painting, taping, etc, etc, etc, I literally cannot remember a single one of the themes… all I remember is a large, cut out Spiderman. I wonder if that memory is real…)
Anyway, I don’t really want to talk about high school, homecoming, coming home, or pretty much anything I’ve mentioned so far. What I do want to talk about is recurring themes. And the fact that sometimes I feel like my life in general becomes suddenly inundated with one. I come here to share words with you, friends (see what I did there?). Therefore, the theme du jour: WORDS.
Words are obviously a big part of my life. I’m a science writer by day and I spend the majority of my time at work reading or writing… putting words together to make other people understand science. And more recently, with the beginning of this blog, words became even more important to me. Writing, sharing these words with you, has become so incredibly cathartic. A powerful dream come true. A release every night as I put my thoughts down on the page.
Of course, two things don’t make a theme. A theme is something so much more. And I’m getting to that.
We talked before about how I like to follow a lot of blogs. Most blogs consist of words, so again, I take in a lot of words. But just this week, I read two great posts about the power of words. My friend Dawn at Cups Running Over was discussing the negativity she was encountering on social media and she said,
“…all these negative words are bad for us!” Then she committed to “using the power of words for good.”
Love, love, LOVE! Dawn is so right, I highly recommend reading her post. She says some really thought-provoking things about the way we use social media. And I love the idea of using our words to spread good.
Next up in this theme of words was a blog post by Bridget at Stumbling Towards Perfect where she describes her knee-jerk reaction to some extremely negative words and the beautiful way in which her daughter responded. Again, it was a negative post on social media and her daughter chose to respond calmly, to explain to the person who tried to use words to hurt the power of those words, and in the process, taught a lot of people an important lesson.
And still, two more things to go to complete my theme…
I just finished (tonight, actually) reading The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. It was a beautiful book. And so much of it is about the power of words, for both good and evil. There were several passages throughout the book that described the power of words that I thought were just so interesting.
“‘Don’t punish yourself,’ she heard her say again, but there would be punishment and pain, and there would be happiness, too. That was writing.”
Wow. Yes.
In my experience, writing is cathartic. Sometimes it is hard, it can be painful. But it is so rewarding, and sometimes I even make myself laugh out loud. (Because, as you already know, I am so funny. And humble, too. Hmmm… humility. I have a LOT to say about that. But one thing at a time.)
And then the last line of the Book Thief’s book. She writes:
“I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.”
Dang. Yes again.
Words can be so personal. They can be so personified. Seriously, I find myself falling in love with the words I put on the page. And when I find that magical turn of phrase, I simply can’t imagine it any other way. But then sometimes the words don’t come out right and they don’t sound like I want them to sound and I hate them for not being just so. Writing. It’s complex.
And in the midst of all this, because of all these words, I reconnected with an old friend who is now an English teacher. (Oh, I am going to say some things about what I consider the vocation of teaching someday. So important.) She told me she like reading along (so nice! she made me feel so good!) and we talked for a while about the power of words and she told me that people don’t think of English as a powerful subject and write it off as “touchy-feely.”
Ugh. No.
Words are crazy important. And the people that teach us to use those words are the people who give us power… yes, they give us the power to express our feelings to one another, but they also give us the power to inspire, to persuade, to share, to reason, to communicate. There is immense power in all of that. Think of just a few extreme examples: of Hitler persuading his countrymen to kill millions with words, of Andrew Wakefield and Jenny McCarthy persuading thousands and thousands of parents not to vaccinate their children against deadly and debilitating diseases with words… but on the other hand, Martin Luther King, Jr. used words to inspire thousands to take to the streets and march for equality and John Stewart uses funny words to make serious points about systems that are very broken. Do you see how powerful words can be? (Do you also see how italics and heavy use of parenthetical statements and elipses (that’s the dot-dot-dot) make you read my words in the same way I would speak them to you? Cool, huh?)
So that, friends, is my thing with words. (See, I did it again… yes! title for the win!) It’s a recurrent theme, these words, and I hope you like the way I’m using them. I also hope that someday my teacher friend will take me up on my offer to share her words, too. Because I know she’s got some good ones inside of her dying for an audience!
Update 9/9/13: SoMeOne, who shall reMain nameless (seriously, how clever am I?), pointed out that there are several typos in the post above– ironic considering it’s all about words. Dang! I was going to read it again, find them, and correct it, but… when I actually got here that all seemed like an awful lot of work. So, the typos remain. Please accept my apologies!
When I was in high school, I went to Washington, DC. Twice. It was amazing. I was absolutely in love with it and decided that, for certain, I would live in a big city someday. I would wear fancy suits and tall shoes and I would carry a powerful, yet trendy, briefcase and wear pearls and be rich and powerful and important and it was all going to be awesome.
So, here’s a picture of me this Spring, on a typical Saturday morning:
Right. About all those plans.
Sometimes life does not turn out the way you plan it. And that’s actually finally ok with me. For a long time I felt like I was somehow a failure if I didn’t meet the adolescent picture of success that I had dreamed up. But my love for politics and all things fashionable and metropolitan has slowly morphed into an incredible love for rural-living, hard work in the dirt, and domestic (or should I say homely) things that I never, in a million years, would have anticipated. But we’ve discussed that already.
I even, as you can see, spent some serious time driving a tractor while wrangling a stray cat.* My life is so unexpected, so completely contrary to what I might have imagined, and yet, I love it. Truly love it.
It was really easy for me to pack up and move to DC for grad school. It was really hard for me to admit that I didn’t love it, that it didn’t live up to my sky-high expectations, and that I wanted to move back to the midwest. (Midwest coast is the best coast! To me, anyway! Love me some great lakes! Even Lake Erie and it’s three-eyed, two-tongued fish monsters.)
Granted, living in DC was an excellent experience. I saw that the grass was not, in fact, greener on the other side and I made amazing friends and had wonderful experiences that I am incredibly grateful for. I would have always wondered if I hadn’t tried it. But I was happy to leave and I am quite happy to be settled where I am now: smack dab in the middle of nowhere, Wisconsin. Surrounded by beautiful farmland and gentle hills, the smell of manure and fields of sunflowers. A place where the sound of horse hooves and a buggy rolling down the street isn’t terribly uncommon and where parking lots are equipped with both cart corrals and hitching posts.
(Something you should perhaps know I about me. I get really into things. Things like dinosaurs, rocks, the Manson family, HAES, Lean In, etc, etc etc… Recently, I got really into learning about the Amish and Mennonite cultures. I read some non-fiction, learned lots of fascinating things about the Anabaptist communities throughout the US and Canada and then I borrowed some fiction books set in plain communities from my friend Michele– they were AWESOME. How I can like both Fifty Shades and Amish Country Crossroads is beyond me… but I do.)
Anyway…
I truly love it here. I love my life here. It’s a far cry from marble buildings and people in suits, but it is a perfect place for me.
(Fade out to song lyrics: Home, let me go ho-o-o-me, home is wherever I’m with you……)
*For those of you wondering (Steph-a-nie…), the cat is doing great! (And number 5 is alive!) We were out picking rock in the field (cue joke: we really should stop planting those rocks every year! But seriously, glaciers, it’s a thing) and my husband’s uncle heard meowing over the sound of the tractor and found a kitten in the ditch. He was HUNGRY and therefore MAD. So, since I was sitting atop the tractor, I was tasked with wrangling him until we were done picking rock and we could get him back to the barn for milk. (Seeeriously?! Do you see what my life is like– how could I have possibly anticipated all of this?! Let alone anticipated liking it so much!) Because we were out picking rock, I named him Rocky. (Also because in the movie Rocky Balboa (aka Rocky 6) Rocky says that Adrian died of “lady cancer,” and I love that that’s what he calls it, even though it’s sad. But I didn’t tell anyone on the farm that part.) So anyway, even though Rocky tried to claw his way up my neck, we got him back to the barn, got him some delicious fresh milk (straight from the cow– again, my life, what?!), and he’s doing quite well there. A lot of people drop cats, dogs, kittens, and puppies off at farms… it’s pretty common. My husband’s uncles always take them in and let them live in the barn, coming and going as they please– it’s a good life for those lucky animals! And as a bonus: they have very little trouble with mice. I can see how that would be a good thing 😉
…Oh geez. It seems as though I can’t stop coming up with things I want to say. An additional note about the photo. A large part of me is hesitant to share this picture with you on account of the way I look. (My hair! My clothes! My face! My weight!) But how am I ever going to convince you that I drove a tractor… while wrangling a stray kitten… without photo evidence? There’s just no other way. BUT… But another part of me is actually totally cool with sharing this picture because it’s not about my hair, my clothes, my face, my weight. It’s about me driving a tractor while wrangling a stray kitten. AND you reading this blog is about us sharing some stories, some insights, some thoughts– it’s not a beauty contest. (But if it were a beauty contest, my little sister would win– trust me on this one. Too cute for words, she is! (where is this yoda-speak coming from???) Seriously, she’s gorgeous, inside and out!) So there you have it, insecurity out in the open– enjoy the tractor! (Now I’m really done.)
Perhaps sometimes there really is no silver lining. Sometimes something is just plain terrible. The unexpected ending of a life, a relationship. However, that doesn’t make that thread any less important in your tapestry. It’s still there and even though dark and gloomy doesn’t feel good, it’s part of the picture, it serves a purpose, whether or not it’s something we can understand. The story I’m about to tell you is like that– it’s sad, I don’t understand it, and neither will you, but I did learn something and that’s what I need to tell you about.
In 2000, my friend Nate passed away– suddenly and tragically, just days after his high school graduation.
Nate and I grew up together. He lived just two houses down the street and I think he spent as much time at my house as he did at his own. His parents were my parents and mine were his. I went to family reunions with him, we played GirlTalk with his cousins, and he played Ninja Turtles with my brother when my sister and I were making him do too many girly things. Our families were incredibly close and we all loved Nate. When he died, we were stunned.
There are a lot of things I remember about Nate– the last time I saw him, his big bright smile and blue and white striped shirt, the celebration of his life, his beautiful life, at his funeral, his football number (64), the day we fished for catfish (and I actually ate it!), and the first time I laid eyes on Janet’s beautiful furniture (she was the most sophisticated woman I had ever met)– but none of these things are as poignant as the wake. That wake will stay with me forever and ever, for a number of reasons.
First, the line. The line to see Nate wrapped around and around the building. So many incredibly sad people, lined up to say goodbye, lined up to tell CJ and Janet how sorry they were, lined up to shed some tears. It was a line from here to eternity. I have no idea how long we stood in that line. But I know how I felt every moment. Scared.
I remember the body. How it was only the body because Nate was not there. He looked like Nate, he was dressed like Nate, but it obviously wasn’t Nate. It was more like a wax museum statue of Nate. His soul, his self, the thing that made him Nate wasn’t there.
I remember my parents. They. were. so. sad. I remember my dad crying and touching Nate’s face. I remember my mom hugging Janet while Janet cried, “Beth, our baby! Our baby is gone, Beth!”
And I remember being alone with my grief for just a moment. Tears streaming down my face. Recognizing Nate in that coffin and knowing that this was real. I remember the way it felt for my parents to be busy dealing with their own grief and unable to deal with mine. And it was hard because I needed someone to comfort me.
And then someone did. Two someones did.
First, the nurse.
She was a tiny little lady in a pristine white nurse’s uniform, complete with the little white hat. She had a box of kleenexes and she handed me one. She hugged me and said, “It’s ok, baby girl, you let it out now.” And I did, I let it all out– the tears, the snot, the sobs. I couldn’t stop and I didn’t care. I just needed to be sad. She was an angel on Earth, I wonder if she knows that.
Second, the judge.
Nate’s grandpa, Janet’s dad, was a judge. He was a big, tall, regal-looking man and if I gave you three guesses as to his profession, judge would have been one of them. You just knew he was important and decisive. And he was the second person to hug me at Nate’s wake. And he told me, and I will never ever forget what he said as long as I live:
“God made use like teapots. Crying is how we release the steam.”
Yes, God made us like teapots. And crying is how we release the steam.
Have you ever heard a more beautiful analogy? Have you ever just needed a good cry? Have things ever gotten to the point where crying was the only option, nothing else would do? Because God made us like teapots…
I spent days, weeks, a good long while completely stunned and a lot of that time is very blurry. I remember coming home from work and my parents asking me to sit down while they told me the news. And I remember crying. I remember the skirt I wore to the funeral. It wasn’t black. I remember being at Pioneer football field. I remember the song those four guys sang. I remember being sad. But most of all, I remember that God made us like teapots, and crying is how we release the steam.
Click here and scroll down to read Nate’s thoughts on living life with no regrets.
