All posts by Rachel

About Rachel

Rachel V. Stankowski considered herself, among other things, a writer. Primarily due to the positive stigmas that accompanied the label, but also because it seemed to excuse some of her more major eccentricities, vanity included.

15 Things Mindy Kaling Should Probably Know About Me

Awesome Things, Seriously, , , , ,

Subtitle: Why We Would Probably Be Besties if We Lived Closer and/or I Were More Famous

When I read the book Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg I was struck repeatedly with how important the words were in a professional sense.  I had more moments than I count of YES—how does she know what’s in my head?!  And yet, I don’t think Sandberg would love me in any kind of personal way.  I’m not really her type.

But Mindy Kaling?  I am definitely her type.

As I read Mindy’s book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) I felt over and over again a similar YES feeling, but this time, it was about the things that I feel in my gut.   And that was cool.  (No, not the physiological things I feel in my gut.  Sicko.) 

Even though Mindy Kaling is a petite Indian woman (who considers herself “chubby”—what?!) and I am a tall, un-petite, white girl with an extraordinarily square jaw, I think we would get along incredibly well.  And here are 15 reasons why.

1.  Because I get what it’s like to be bullied.  Especially because of your weight.  And especially when you think you’re doing it right. 

Take for example the LHS Homecoming dance my freshman year.  I was dressed to the threes (in retrospect, it only felt like the nines) in a forest green, high collared, shapeless dress and I had painstakingly “straightened” my hair.  (Yeah, my hair doesn’t really do straight…)  I had been nursing a crush on a track star for quite a while and was thrilled when he asked me to dance!

Sadly, the highest highs are often followed by the lowest lows and the phone calls started coming in the next day.  Several fat jokes to mutual friends later, word reached me.  But then he apologized (by note, because notes were all the rage in the late 90s…) and somehow became the hero.  A-hole.

I could go on, but it’s all kind of the same and you get the idea.  You know who else gets the idea?  Mindy.

Mindy related similar stories in her book.  She said, “How I continually found myself in situations where I felt I had to say thank you to mean guys, I’m not sure… bullies have no code of conduct.”

Truer words have never been spoken, future friend.

But more importantly, she also said, “Being called fat is not like being called stupid or unfunny, which is the worst thing you could ever say to me.”

Do you hear that US Customs Agent in Houston?!  By failing to laugh at a single one of my jokes (e.g., “What are you bringing back with you?” “Just a little bit of sun burn!”) you did call me unfunny, and that was not cool.

2.  Because I sweat.  A lot.  So other people that sweat a lot are not gross to me—they are kindred sweat spirits.

Pretty people always terrify me.  Mostly because I’m sure they are going to hate me.  But pretty people who sweat?!  We will get along just fine.  I have bonded with plenty of girls over pit stains or comparing notes on antiperspirants.

Sweat.  The great equalizer.

I know Mindy gets this, and I know she would want to be my friend, because she said, “How can you not make a best friend out of a girl who has seen the sweat-soaked pelvis area of your gym pants, daily, and who still chooses to spend time with you?”  Right, Stephanie?!

3.  Because high school was absolutely not the highlight of my life.  And it just keeps getting better.

Throughout her book, Mindy dispenses very little advice, but she does say this: “Teenage girls, please don’t worry about being super popular in high school, or being the best actress in high school, or the best athlete.  Not only do people not care about any of that the second you graduate, but when you get older, if you reference your successes in high school too much, it actually make you look kind of pitiful.”  Word.

In high school, I was an academic nerd, a band geek, an art weirdo, and the worst girl on the team (yes, every team).  But I was all in… and that’s the important thing to remember.  (Did you catch the New Girl reference?  Kayla?)

I do allow myself one bragging point from high school, though.  I was good at dissecting things.  Jealous?

4. Because when it comes to friendship, I value quality over quantity.

And so does Mindy.

“One friend with whom you have a lot in common is better than three with whom you struggle to find things to talk about.  We never needed best friend gear because I guess with real friends you don’t have to make it official.  It just is.”

Every friend I’ve ever had to try really hard for hasn’t been real.  The friends that just were… they just were.

Mindy is clearly going to be the exception.  This post is taking a considerable amount of work…

Also, Melissa and I totally just got best friend gear, so… perhaps I’m a big old hypocrite, but that’s ok.

5.  Because I can relate Harry Potter to pretty much anything.

Look at this paragraph:

“We clung to each other with blind loyalty, like Lord Voldemort and his snake Nagini.  I, of course, was Nagini. If you messed with one of us, you knew you messed with both of us, and Voldemort was going to cast a murder spell on you, or Nagini was going to chomp on your jugular.  It was such a good, dramatic time.”

Yeah, I get that relationship.  Excellent reference.

How better to make a point than with a Harry Potter reference?!  Did you read my post yesterday?  Harry Potter is where it’s at!

6.  Because I do not believe that being from the east coast legitimizes a-hole-ish-ness.

In my opinion, and please feel free to hate me for saying so, it’s true that people on the east coast are less friendly than those living elsewhere in the country.  (Granted, I’ve never been to Georgia, Alabama, or Arkansas… maybe people there are jerks?  I doubt it.  How can you be a jerk when you drink nothing but sweet tea all day?)  But how seriously obnoxious is it when people use that as an excuse for being a jerk to you?  Right, seriously obnoxious.

Mindy’s description?  “You know those people who legitimize their sarcastic, negative personalities by saying proudly they are ‘lifelong New Yorkers’?  She was one of those.”  This is my new favorite phrase.

7.  Because if I could eat anything I wanted, it would be 100% kid-friendly garbage.

I try really hard (no, really!) to eat as healthy as possible as much of the time as possible.  I enjoy eating things fresh out of the garden (and by “the garden” I mean other people’s gardens) and I like cooking from scratch.  But let’s be honest: if I could eat anything without consequence, it would be crap.  100% reeee-fiiiiined crap.  And it would be delicious.  I hate pretending all the time like, “Ewww Oreos…” and “Fruit Roll-Ups are soooo unnatural….”  Whatevs, give me a bag of Oreos and a box of Fruit Roll-Ups and I’ll have them polished off in 15 minutes.  Seriously.  Mindy agrees: “Kid-friendly food is the best, because kid-friendly simply means ‘total garbage.'”

Delicious, kid-friendly garbage.

8.  Because if I like you, I love you and I will get intimate real quick.  If you do not reciprocate, I will assume you hate me.

When I was younger, I hated it when people called me “Rach.”  Now, I love it!  LOVE IT!  But it can’t be forced, and I would never ask someone to call me that.  But when it organically makes it’s way out of a good friend’s mouth (Abby, Melissa, Ellen, Jess, I’m talking to you here!) it just feels so right!  (Was that the creepiest thing I’ve ever written?   Maybe.)

But seriously, when you’ve got that kind of natural intimacy with a friend right away, it’s going to be awesome.

I was totally comfortable asking Melissa to teach me how to cut up an avocado the first time I ever met her.

I made pancakes in Jess’s kitchen when she wasn’t even there the day after I met her.  And then emailed her to ask her about school supplies… for grad school.  (See?  NERD.)

Like me, Minday says, “I respond very well to people being overly familiar with me a little too soon.  It shows effort and kindness.  I try to do this all the time.  It makes me feel part of a big, familial, Olive Garden-y community.”

This post is overly familiar, Mindy is going to love it.  (Or get a restraining order.  Can you get one of those for the internet?  I hope not… it would be a bummer if I couldn’t follow her on Twitter anymore.)

9.  Because I’m ok with weird, non-mainstream kinds of things so long as they don’t hurt anybody.

Reiki?  Tried it.  Loved it.  Would totally do it again.

Acupuncture?  Tried it.  Hated it.  But I totally get why some people swear by it and that’s cool with me.

Mindy once worked for a tv psychic and I loved what she had to say about him: “If I had to testify under oath, I would admit, no, I don’t believe Mac Teegarden in psychic…  I am certain, though, that Mac Teegarden provided an enormous amount of comfort to people who had unexpectedly lost loved ones.  I don’t know if it was psychic, but it was cathartic, and therapeutic, and it helped people.”

An important point I feel I need to make here is this: I believe in ghosts.  100%.  And Ghost Hunters (NOT the International version– very important distinction here) is one of my favorite shows ever.

10.  Because I LOVE romantic comedies.  LOVE THEM…

Rom-com is definitely my favorite genre of movie.  Oh yes, I have taken a lot of crap for it and I spent some time being seriously ashamed (like after the night I made a big group of girls watch The Holiday and was made fun of mercilessly for it– I get it, Cameron Diaz is a terrible actress, but the Kate Winslet/Jack Black/older guy storyline just slays me and I can’t help it!).  In fact, the only thing that gets me through workouts on the elliptical (because running out of doors causes bathroom incidents, as we’ve discussed) are movies recorded off of Lifetime or the Hallmark channel.

Imagine my joy when I read this from dear Mindy: “I love romantic comedies.  I feel almost sheepish writing that, because the genre has been so degraded in the past twenty years or so that admitting you like these movies is essentially an admission of mild stupidity.  But that has not stopped me from watching them.”

Stupid or not, I love love!  And those movies make me feel happy!

11. … especially British romantic comedies…

Bridget Jones and Love Actually.  End of story.

Ok, not really end of story because Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Jane Eyre are also favorites of mine.  Granted, they are more British romances rather than romantic comedies.  But I have to believe that Mindy probably likes movie adaptations of Jane Austen too.

12. … and in British romantic comedies, Colin Firth is the best.  BEST!

Seriously, Mindy Kaling spent basically an entire paragraph on Colin Firth.  And that was when I knew knew that we would be best friends.

“All women love Colin Firth: Mr. Darcy, Mark Darcy, George VI – at this point he could play the Craigslist Killer and people would be like ‘Oh my God, the Craigslist Killer has the most boyish smile!’  I love Colin Firth in everything… But the role that makes me cry is Mark Darcy, from Bridget Jones’s Diary.”

OMG– I know!  “I like you very much.  Just as you are.”  I DIE at that line!  I just adore it so much!

But, Mindy, ponder this for a moment: the Colin Firth story line in Love Actually.  He learns Portugeuse for bonita Aurelia!  I think Jamie may just edge past Mark Darcy in terms of all time most romantic things ever.  EVER.  We should really get together to discuss.  Perhaps watch both movies back-to-back… just to be sure.

13. Because I hate “because you’re a woman questions” that wouldn’t even be questions if you were a man.

This is actually an important point that I think Sheryl Sandberg, Mindy Kaling, and I can all agree on.  We don’t ask male CEOs how they balance their home and work life, we assume that their wife is at home taking care of the kids along with whatever hired help they’ve got to work alongside them.  When a woman has a husband and hired help at home do the same thing, she is somehow neglectful and has mixed up priorities or whatever other insults get thrown around.

Similarly, Mindy laments being asked about women being funny:

“Why didn’t you talk about whether women are funny or not?”  I just felt that by commenting on that in any real way, it would be tacit approval of it as a legitimate debate, which it isn’t.  It would be the same as addressing the issue of “Should dogs and cats be able to care for our children?  They’re in the house anyway.”  I try not to make it a habit to seriously discuss nonsensical hot-button issues.”

I feel like she should maybe write that in a letter to Sheryl Sandberg so that Sheryl can pull it out of her pocket and read it word-for-word the next time a reporter asks her a dumb question like that.

Women are people, too, after all.  Some people are funny, some people are not.  Some people are good at business, some people are not.  I’m pretty sure in both situations “people” can be either women or men.

14. Because I get what it’s like to be a writer, and my productive-writing-to-screwing-around ratio is very, very low.

I had never really thought about this ratio before, but Mindy describes it well:

“I’ve found my productive-writing-to-screwing-around ratio to be one to seven.  So, for every eight hours day of writing, there is only one good productive hour of work being done.”

YES!

I write all day and then come home and write some more at night.  And I’d say that my ratio is probably about that at work.  (I try!  Seriously!  But things never seem to really come together except for in brief manic spurts!)  And blogging, well, some come easy and some, like this one, take DAYS.  Seriously, it’s disturbing how much time I’ve spent on this post.  This creepy, creepy post.  And yet my rapidly rising word count down below suggests that I’ve at least made some progress.

15. Because I hate arbitrary beauty standarsd, but sometimes I adhere to them and I reserve the right to choose which ones and to ferociously defend my right not to observe others.

Once upon a time, I refused to pluck my eyebrows and I was quite vocal about it– if a guy doesn’t like me because of my eyebrows then forget him!

These days, I have literally gone out to purchase new tweezers on a week long vacation because my eyebrows just couldn’t be trusted anymore.

Mindy talks about men waxing their chests and says, “… it just shows so much icky effort to conform to some arbitrary beauty standard.  And the standard in this instance is particularly inane.”

HA!  It’s true… even about my eyebrows.  But I do it anyway.  And men continue to wax their chests anyway.  (And thank goodness they do because seriously, that made for true comedic gold in The 40-Year-Old Virgin.)

So, I guess this post is actually kind of a book review.

Surprise!

I didn’t actually intend to write a book review, but as I approach the end, it seems that that’s exactly what I’ve done.  Mindy Kaling is F-U-N-N-Y funny.  And interesting.  And I feel like we have kind of similar writing styles, so obviously I found that charming.  And if you’ve been reading along with me here for a while, you might just find her charming too.

There are lots of comparisons out there to Tina Fey’s book Bossypants, which is also an excellent read, but they are both autobiographical and this may come as a surprise to you, but Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling are not, in fact, the same person, so naturally, the stories they tell are 100% different and 100% excellent.  I would highly recommend them both.

AND, since your DVR has an open slot now that 30 Rock is over, you may want to consider filling it up with The Mindy Project.

So, in conclusion, I think Mindy Kaling and I could be good friends.  Fingers crossed she reads this and we can plan a romantic-comedy-watching-junk-food-eating sleepover sometime soon.  (Or that she just doesn’t file for that restraining order… I’m good either way.)

 

Rachel Vonck and the Order of the Faux-nix

laughs!, Story Telling, , , ,

First off, to my sister’s friend Jackie– big apologies for keeping you waiting, my dear!  Lots of traveling and catching up to do when I got back.  No more delays, I promise!  I want to make sure you have something to do over your lunch break!  (Also, huge thanks for reading!!)

 

Now, down to business…

 

Harry Potter became kind of a big deal when I was in high school, but I didn’t really get into it until the summer after my first year of college.  While this meant I was definitely late to the party, it also meant that I could get all the books from the library without waiting AND that I got to read the first four books in rapid succession.

(I believe that I have mentioned before how when I get into something, I get really into it.  That summer, the Ypsilanti Public Library must have thought I was completely bananas– I checked out all four Harry Potter books, several books on the Manson Family, including Vincent Bugliosi’s book Helter Skelter, and lastly, Cameron Manheim’s Wake Up, I’m Fat!, because I was just started to realize that just maybe it was ok to not be super thin.  Seriously weird list, right?  Maybe that was how I ended up on some sort of TSA-extra-security list for a few years???)

Anyway, Harry Potter…

So I read the first four books (Sorcerer’s Stone, Chamber of Secrets, Prisoner of Azkaban, and Goblet of Fire) in a matter of a few weeks and then had to WAIT… and wait and wait and wait and wait for the Order of the Phoenix to come out the following summer.

I was not a Harry Potter fan accustomed to waiting.

Fortunately, I went to Michigan Tech around the time that digital pirating was kind of a big deal (Napster was the shizzz my freshman year)… and there’s nothing Techies love more than pirating, hacking, and the like.  Maybe digital pirating is still a big deal?  I really don’t know.

So my sophomore year of college I was an RA in the dorms and so was my boyfriend, now husband, Seth.  Seth’s hall was FULL of guys who were super good at getting things in advance (I saw one of the Lord of the Rings movies way before it was ever out in the theater on a teeny tiny little computer screen in a cramped dorm room with crappy sound… jealous?) and one of those guys got an early copy of the FIFTH HARRY POTTER BOOK– Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.  SCORE!

Eight-hundred pages of delicious, advanced, Harry Potter-ness.  One of the guys even went to his computer lab in the middle of the night to print every single page and then to Office Max to have it bound for his girlfriend.  Seth just gave me a floppy disk.  Apparently, we weren’t that serious yet 😉

That summer, I worked at the front desk in Wadsworth Hall so that I could stay in the UP (that’s the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, God’s country, if you will…) while Seth was on co-op in Wisconsin (the 4.5 hour drive was a lot better than the 10ish hours it would have been if I’d gone back home) and I read every word of that wonderful book.  Working at the front desk of a dorm in the summer time is an exceptionally boring job… there’s not a lot of work to be done.  And I was good at being a body behind the desk.  Especially since it gave me so much time to read.

I would bring my little, red floppy disk with me every shift and pop it into the big, old desktop at the front desk.  Elbows on the table, face inches from the monitor, I pored over that book.  And loved it.

In addition, I felt pretty darn smug over reading that early release.  It even had a few typos because the editors hadn’t gotten to it yet!  How lucky was I?!

Fast forward a couple years to 2005.  It was May and I had just graduated from Michigan Tech.  Seth and my mom, dad, sister, brother, Grandma Rita, and Grandpa John all made the trip up to Houghton for my graduation and we were headed back downstate with all of my belongings in tow.  It was a beautiful day and we stopped on the Mackinac City side of the Mackinac Bridge for a picnic lunch on the way.  In eager anticipation of the release of the next Harry Potter book (the Half-Blood Prince) later that summer, my mom, brother, and I set about discussing the Order of the Phoenix.

I was a little puzzled about this Delores Umbridge character they kept mentioning.  Perhaps she was added after some editing?  Was she a minor character I had missed?  Had I forgotten that much of the book?  So I brought up my favorite part– the Ron and Hermione romance.  Oh, maybe that was edited out before the release?  Dang, I really liked that part.  But definitely it got a little Star Wars-y when it turned out the Voldemort was actually Harry’s grandfather, right?!  RIGHT?!

No.

Oh.

Fake book.

I was… shocked.  I had read 800 pages of fan fiction.

But truth be told, I wasn’t mad.  Not even a little bit.

In fact, I was elated!  Not only did I have the distinct pleasure of reading an extra Harry Potter book, but I also had the opportunity to once again plow through TWO Harry Potter books back-to-back that summer as I caught up on the real Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix followed by the newly released Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

I found the series conclusion in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to be a highly satisfying end.  I could have done without The Tales of Beedle the Bard.  But that fake book number five?  Icing on my Harry Potter cake, to be sure.

Order of the Faux-Nix
Book Image Source

 

 

PS: Vonck was my maiden name.  I almost made the title Rachel Stankowski and the Order of the Faux-nix, but that would have been inaccurate since my name wasn’t Stankowski at the time.  I’m all about truth in… advertising?  Titling?  Whatever.  Vonck it was, anyway.

People over Things– 6 years worth of wisdom

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As you, observant reader, may have gathered over the course of this week, my husband and I were in Mexico.  With amazing friends.  And it was a dream-come-true kind of vacation.

However, with a family wedding to attend in Jacksonville, Florida, this weekend, we were forced to leave Cabo just a bit early and we said our goodbyes this morning.  We were having such a good time and we live so far away from our friends in real life (they live in SoCal, we in NoCenWis… that’s north central Wisconsin for those of you not in “the know”), so saying goodbye is always really hard.  Especially saying goodbye to those kiddos!  They give great hugs, but those little cartoon character eyes and the pleas to not go will really break your heart.

This week, Christian, who is 6, found that my husband has some really awesome games on his iPad (something about monkeys and balloons (?) was a big hit, apparently) so I jokingly asked Christian as he was saying goodbye what he was going to miss more—Seth (that’s my husband, big name reveal!  Saying “my husband” is becoming somewhat tedious…) or his iPad.

To which Christian responded, “Seth!  Because in our family, we value people more than things!”

Christian people vs. things

It was such a heartfelt and obviously true sentiment.  From a techno-philic, Apple (like the brand not the fruit)-loving, 6-year-old.  Dang.  Color me impressed.

Wise words from little Christian…

Happy Friday!  Enjoy some people this weekend!  (And some things too… because why not?  Just remember what Christian said and try to put the people first!)

Generosity following imperfection.

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HUGE apologies to my email subscribers– my itchy trigger finger got the best of me and I published rather than saving and you all got a not-even-half-written idea of a post that I had just started working on.  I am sincerely sorry for that.  So here’s the full post for Thursday just a bit early to try to make up for the spamming of your inbox.  (I won’t let it happen again!)

…..

Generosity.  Big word.

There are so many different ways to be generous.  And this week, I have been the recipient of generosity in so many ways.

The friends we vacation with are just like that– generous in ALL the ways.  They take us to amazing places that provide to the outside observer very visible and tangible evidence of their generosity.  And I completely agree, it’s incredible.  My husband and I have done SO many things we would never have had the opportunity to do and have had so many incredible experiences thanks to our unbelievable friends.  They are kind and generous in the extreme.  As they tell their children, they work hard to be able to bless others.  At this moment, I certainly feel blessed.  No doubt about that.  The pools, the palm trees, the views, the pina coladas, it’s all unbelievable.

But they are generous in even more spectacular ways that the outside observer probably has no idea about.  So I will tell you.

They are generous with their time.  This trip to Mexico is without a doubt a family vacation for our friends and their two little ones, and yet they invite my husband and me along.  We are included in ev-er-y-thing… from fancy excursions to bedtime hugs and everything in between.  The Lemas let us feel like part of this family, they share all of that precious time with us.

They are generous with their words.  Chris is the Chris of chrislema.com and as I worked on my biggest post of the week, he was dispensing free advice on how best to woo the reader with my blog formatting.  Do you have any idea how much something like that costs?!  A lot, I’m sure…. and Melissa is 100% mom-spirational.  She teaches me more than she could ever know about how to be a good mom someday.  That kind of advice is not only invaluable, but it literally cannot be bought.

They are generous with their hearts.  Chris, Melissa, and their kids, Emily and Christian, are unbelievable when it comes to generosity of the heart.  At dinner, both kids prayed for my husband and I during a 100% unprompted grace.  They also thanked God for this wonderful day.  Pure hearts, good parenting, a beautiful thing.

I don’t think that I could ever possibly begin to repay the generosity afforded me by this beautiful family, but I also don’t really think that that’s the point.  The generosity is poured out with no expectation of anything in return… except maybe to pay it forward when given the opportunity.

I like the idea of that.

…

By the way, I’m sitting next to my dear friend Melissa as I type this and when I cringed over the mistaken early publication of this post she said to me, “It’s ok.  Everybody makes mistakes.”

I cheekily replied, “Not me.  I was perfect until that happened.”

And brilliant and beautiful Melissa replied, “From the topside.”

Oh man, does she ever GET this tapestry thing.  Probably she should be writing this stuff, not me, but as long as it’s me doing the writing, I am crazy glad she is my friend.

Profile in Awesome: Aimee Rathbun

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Here we are, friends! It’s finally Wednesday and today is the day I promised you Under the Tapestry’s first Profile in Awesome!  YAY!

Today, I would like to introduce you to my friend and yours: Aimee Rathbun.  Aimee was my next door neighbor in the dorms at Michigan Tech and I loved her instantly.  She is basically the definition of awesome and I want to scream it from the roof tops…

This blog is my roof top!

When I asked Aimee if she would be my first profile, her response was, and I quote, “Oh my fish, I’m so flattered!”  The fish was an autocorrect, but I like it so much better than gosh.  Let’s go with that.

So, here she is, Aimee in her own words– oh my fish!

***

Hi, Aimee!  Thanks so incredibly much for agreeing to be my awesome guinea pig.  I’m really excited about this little segment and you have been on my mind for a profile in awesome since the idea first started taking shape in the back of my mind.  To start, why don’t you tell everyone a little bit about yourself… how do you typically describe YOU?

Well, I usually describe myself as slightly nerdy, I like to read and swim and ride bikes.  I like photography and quilting and working on my house.  I live in Alaska and I love it, but I miss the Great Lakes.  I miss my family and friends too, of course.  I bought a house, got a dog, joined a church, a swim club and a polo club– feels good to put down some roots!

One of the things that I find most awesome about you is your incredibly bravery.  A few years back, you embarked on a huge journey when you packed up and moved to Alaska.  Where did that kind of bravery come from and what was it like when you got there?  Tell us about the adventure!

I know you’re going to tell me I’m eating too much “humble pie”, but I don’t feel like the move up here took as much bravery as people think.  Part of the story of me ending up in Alaska has to do with moving to Flint, MI after I graduated from Tech.  I don’t think I need to go into the exact reasons I hated living in Flint, but I hated it.  I felt so trapped there.  I disliked it immediately and was looking for a new job (in West Michigan, Wisconsin or Minnesota) for an entire year.  Looking back, I was depressed.  I think I was down enough that Alaska didn’t seem that scary, at least not compared to staying in a city I disliked, at a job I disliked and without any friends.  I had to make a big change.

I had ended up in Flint because I was looking for a job in Michigan and Flint’s in Michigan.  I was able to spend more time with my parents than I did while I was in Houghton and I was even close enough to watch some of my youngest brother’s swim meets during his senior year of high school.  A few months after I started I met another new engineer, Katie, who happened to have moved in across the parking lot from me!  Eventually she introduced me to one of her friends, who lived in Alaska and ended up sending me a job posting for a job up there.  I went “ha ha, yeah right” and then immediately thought “wait… I guess… maybe… why not?”

Anyway, it turned into the most amazing 6 months of my life– interviewing and visiting Alaska for the first time (in the winter!), quitting my job and leaving Flint, taking a few months off to travel, driving to Alaska with all my worldly possessions in the back of my Jetta and starting a new life up in Fairbanks.  There are so many things I could say about that time.  It was just such a blessing to be able to spend time with family and friends– I spent a week in Mexico with Adriane, a week in Houghton for Winter Carnival with my brothers and friends and a week in Florida visiting my grandma and aunt.  And everything fell into place so marvelously.  I ended up in Fairbanks with neither a map nor a place to stay (my first stop was a Wendy’s with wi-fi) and a week later I had an apartment and a bike.  One day I even thought “I wish I had a pull chain for the ceiling fan, I wonder where you even find those in stores.”  Thirty seconds later I parked the car, opened the door, and sitting in the packed snow of the parking lot, between my door and the car, was a pull chain.  Whether it was coincidences, gut feelings or God, I’ve never felt more blessed or more like someone was looking over me than I did those 6 months.

When you moved to Alaska, you didn’t know very many people.  You are super lovable and I’m sure people took to you right away, but how did you go about putting yourself out there to make friends and develop a social network in your new home?

So I knew one person in the state when I moved up here, and I ended up dating him.  And then we broke up… and I was sad and lonely and quickly realized I was at least 4000 miles from my friends and family.  Earlier I said I didn’t feel that brave moving to Alaska… well, this is what took some serious bravery.  I let myself mope for a week or two and spent some time at open swim (when the going gets tough, I swim).  I started trying out churches.  I found a masters swimming group, tried it and loved it.  During the announcements I heard about the water polo club.  So I went.  I visited a church I loved.  After church I drove to a quilt shop in town and signed up for a beginning quilting class.  I was totally uncomfortable in these new social situations but I’m a firm believer in “fake it till you make it*.”  (*I don’t generally think people should be “fake”, but I mean smile and be friendly even if you’re nervous and feeling awkward…  soon enough you’re not even faking it.)  Even though I didn’t make any lasting friendships in quilting class, I’ve amassed an amazing support network of friends through swimming, water polo and church.

Tell me about adopting your sweet pup, Bentley.  What does she mean to you?

Bentley brings so much joy and love into my life!  I met a few dogs at the Anchorage shelter but Bentley was so soft and calm and quiet.  All she wanted was a belly rub!  I think she sleeps in my bed most of the day and I’ve heard “I’ve never seen a dog sleep so much” so I think she’s the right fit for my quiet life and small house.  She’s covered in big and small scars.  Her vets and I don’t know where they came from, but I have a feeling it was a run-in with a car or other dogs (or both!).  She cracks me up and makes me smile all the time.  When I have a bad day and am feeling road-ragey or crabby, I walk into the house, hang up the keys and look at this sweet dog wagging her tail so hard that it’s whipping her eyes and she’s squinting up at me… and my heart just melts.  When I feel like the worst person, she looks at me like I’m the best.  She’s taught me about unconditional love and how to take care of someone other than myself… all very important things.

Bentley
Bentley (gorgeous girl!  AND Aimee took that beautiful photo!)

I know you love to read and I always enjoy your recommendations (I’ve read Peace Like a River twice now and adored The Snow Child).  How do you choose what you’re going to read next and what do you like most about reading?  What are some of your favorite books ever?  Do you ever re-read books?

I’ve always loved to read– my mom used to panic when it’d take me 30 minutes to walk 3 blocks home from elementary school because I was reading the whole way!  My parents read to us a lot when we were little, and I think Mom recommended Peace Like a River to me in high school.  I loved the story when I read it back then and really valued the relationships between the siblings and their dad.  When I re-read it again a year or 2 ago, I was able to focus on the religious part of it.  Another favorite is Life of Pi, just because there’s so much to think about in that one too.  I generally don’t re-read books (though I’ve read Peace Like a River and Life of Pi twice each) unless it’s an accident.  There are just too many I haven’t read yet!  Now I’m in a book club, so that helps a ton with finding things to read.  Often they pick books I’d never choose for myself, and I love that.  I think my favorite books are ones where I can totally picture the setting or the characters…  I’m an engineer so I’m not good at describing literary things but at the beginning of the Time Traveler’s Wife, the author describes a meadow in southern West Michigan.  I was reading it in an airport and I swear I could SMELL that meadow!  Most of the books I like are more uplifting and magical.  I feel depressed when I read too many sad books in a row.

One of my favorite things about you is your family– you Rathbuns are so fascinating and super fun!  I’ve never met a happier family!  Tell me about your mom and dad (best love story ever!) and those brothers of yours!  What was it like growing up a Rathbun and how did your family impact the person you are today?

Well, my parents met when they were both student janitors in McNair Hall at Michigan Tech.  We grew up visiting the UP, wearing Tech clothes and talking nerdy around the dinner table.  I have 2 younger brothers and despite my parents’ best efforts to un-brainwash us, we all ended up going to Michigan Tech too!  My middle brother is an amazing geological engineer with people skills I’ve always been envious of.  He lives in Vancouver, BC with his lovely wife (my new sister!).  My youngest brother is a computer whiz who used to count binary with my mom at the dinner table.  He’s living on the east side of Michigan with his boyfriend.  Our family has always been full of love and laughter.  In the past few years we’ve gone through lots of transitions– kids growing up and moving away, my youngest brother surprising us when he came out, adding a spouse into the mix, my parents moving out of my childhood home, etc.– but through it all nothing’s changed.  OK, so we travel a lot more to see each other and we need a few extra chairs at family dinners, but wherever we are still feels like home when we’re together and we love each other unconditionally.

Pretty please brag a little bit about your quilting… (and photo evidence would be awesome, if you wouldn’t mind me sharing some!)  How did you get into quilting and how did you learn?  From your mom?  What is your favorite quilt?  And what do you enjoy about it?

My mom had taught me how to sew and she learned from her mom (my dad’s mom sewed a lot too!).  My Grandma J is a prolific quilter– she made a quilt for each of her 30-some grandkids and then many, many other ones.  Mom made all of our halloween costumes and used to hem my pants for me but wasn’t ever really a big quilter.  In Fairbanks, I found a Singer sewing machine at a garage sale (“I’ll give it to you for $15 if you take it before my wife gets back.”) and actually put it in a pannier on my bike and rode it home!  About a year later I took a quilting class and found my current machine at an estate sale and I’ve been unstoppable since then!  I even taught my mom a few tricks (rotary cutting and lots of starch!) and she’s enjoying quilting a lot more.  Every time I am making a quilt, I’m thinking about my Mom and Grandma and the recipient of the quilt.  I think it’s a lot like praying!

My favorite quilt is a quilt my mom, grandma and I made for Walt and Leanne’s wedding.  We asked all their friends and family to send us a scrap of fabric and Mom, Grandma and I sketched out ideas on the back of a Big Boy placemat.  We ended up making a patchwork background of 6″ squares with 5 or 6 bigger applique blocks of flowers.  Finally, we appliqued vines, leaves and flowers over the patchwork.  The white flowers on the vines are apple blossom (For Walt, Michigan’s state flower) and pacific dogwood (for Leanne, British Columbia’s provincial flower).  The flower blocks have meanings too!  Grandma and Mom did most of the applique (I have no patience for hand sewing!) and Mom came to AK to help me put together the top.  So many people sent such sweet notes with the fabric that I actually scanned and cataloged the notes and fabric from each person, and starched, ironed and cut each square (and there are a lot of squares!).  I even made a book– it has pictures of us making the quilt and then the back is the fabric and notes.  I love knowing where each fabric in a quilt came from so I wanted them to be able to have a reference.

Look at the gorgeous quilt!!
Look at that gorgeous quilt!!

Tell me about your love of nature and passion for photography… I definitely remember Copper Country Cruising with you, my hands on your steering wheel as you leaned out the driver’s side window to snap pictures.  And even now, my office features eight of the gorgeous pictures you took of the UP.  Is that part of the draw in Alaska– the great outdoors?

Ha!  I don’t remember that but I don’t doubt it either!  Probably better than what I do on the Mackinaw Bridge though (stick my head out the window to look down the grate WITHOUT anyone grabbing the wheel!). I don’t know what my draw to photography is but I do know Sunday I drove to church wearing hot pink sunglasses (with rosy, polarized lenses) and I thought “I wish I could capture this and share it!”  Bright sun and fall colors against dark clouds and everything was extra intense with those sunglasses!  Sometimes I wonder if I should just enjoy it, instead of working so hard to try and capture it to keep it forever…  who knows.  I love capturing patterns and colors and things most people don’t stop to look at.  I can also totally tell my state of mental health based on the pictures I take.  I took very few pictures in Flint and the ones I did seem brown and gloomy to me.  In good times the colors are vibrant and bold (I’ve taken some awesome ones this year!).

And, of course, as a woman in STEM I can’t help but talk up your career a bit.  Civil engineering is clearly your professional calling.  I’ve never met a person more excited about sewer systems than you!  What attracted you to civil engineering?  What do you enjoy about your day job?  Do you ever feel like it matters that you are a woman on the job?

I benefited greatly from “Take Your Daughter to Work Day!”  I spent the morning watching my mom working on a computer and playing with a label maker.  I spent the afternoon traipsing through a construction site with my dad.  My Dad’s a civil engineer too, so I think I was just kinda always around it.  Now that I think about it, my first sentence was “why man put dat dirt dere?” so maybe it was always meant to be.  And the last time I was home I got a tour of my dad’s latest project– basically they’re building a building INSIDE a building I remember visiting when it was built!

I guess I’ve gotten used to being in the minority as a woman.  I have 2 brothers and no sisters, I was the only girl in my section in band, I was one of 3-5 women in my civil classes (of about 50) in college… so it doesn’t feel weird or unusual to me and I’ve learned to hold my own.  Also, I was raised to believe I could do anything I set my mind to, so I’ve never really felt limited by being a woman.  I’ve come across supervisors who believe women can’t be engineers (you know, because our brains are different) but I’ve been fortunate that they’ve never been my direct supervisors (or I didn’t know it!).  Actually, half of the civil department here is female.

This year I had someone (not at my company) say to me “yeah, you’re a woman, I know how you are, I’ve married 4 of ’em.”  I couldn’t even take it personally– in fact, it makes me laugh.  He has no idea what I’m like!  (Also, maybe he doesn’t know women as much as he thinks considering his track record!)

Finally, tell me about five things that you love, excluding Under the Tapestry, of course 😉

  1. My loving and supportive family and friends
  2. My dog
  3. Chocolate
  4. Good beer
  5. Wool socks

***

Seriously.  Do you see how awesome Aimee is?!

In addition to the brilliant responses she provided, Aimee also added this quote:

In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.

In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.

In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.

I realized, through it all, that…In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger, something better, pushing right back. (Albert Camus)

Beautiful, right?

Aimee was recently in Madison for a special course in super secret sewer stuff.  (Ok, maybe not super secret, but it was sewer-related.)  Since a trip to Madison is much more manageable than a trip to Alaska, a third friend from Minneapolis (our RA, Adriane!) swung through Marshfield to pick me up and we headed down to Madison for a weekend of fun.  But not just fun…

On Saturday morning, Aimee, Adriane, and I went to a super cute little diner (Daisy’s, maybe?) and had breakfast followed by homemade cupcakes… because even breakfast should come with dessert when you’re with girlfriends.  We had a blast catching up and I think even our waitress was excited about us getting the chance to catch up because our cupcakes were on the house!  Icing on the (cup)cake, as they say!

In the 12 years that I’ve known her (whaaat?!  12 years?!), Aimee has reminded me time and time again of how important it is to follow your heart.  She reminds me of the beauty in this world, even in the dead of winter, and that fun that can be found even in the mundane (it was Aimee’s pink plastic bunny, after all).  So, Aimee, thank you for being a friend (a la the Golden Girls theme song) and thank you even more for sharing your awesomeness with my blog friends!!!

This is one of the oldest pictures on my Facebook timeline-- good stuff!
This is one of the oldest pictures on my Facebook timeline– good stuff!

The little girl I adore and my inadvertent attempts to destroy her.

Story Telling, , ,

Ahhh, another beautiful Mexican morning.  After a gorgeous breakfast overlooking the Sea of Cortez, my husband and I came back to the villa (I really can’t call it a “room,” because that’s just not what it is…) with those niños I told you about yesterday.  Emily invited me out onto the balcony to journal with her.  How could I resist?

She’s currently sitting across the table from me with paper and pen writing a poem about a strong merman named Draco who played with the mermaid clan (seriously, can’t make this stuff up!), complete with illustrations, while I type this little diddy out for you.

The poem about Draco the merman is probably better, but sorry, you’re stuck with me until Emily gets her own blog.

Anyway, as I look across the table at this sweet girl this morning, I’m reminded 1) of how much I love her and 2) how since I first met her, it seems I’ve made every effort to destroy her.

Yes, I said destroy…

I am ashamed.  But I am going to tell you anyway.

I first met Emily when she was a mere 18 months old.  Communicative, yes.  But 18 months, nevertheless.  That’s ONE.  She was one year old.  (Remember that, it’s important.)

I met Emily the same time I first met her parents and I was suuuuper nervous.  This was my boyfriend’s boss (we weren’t married, or even engaged, at the time– yes, we were living in sin.  You would too if you lived in a place with rents like DC…) and his wife, flying all the way to DC from California.

Boss man.  His wife.  From California, like where people in movies live.  Terrifying.  I was sure they were going to be amazing… and that they were going to realize that I was not.

Turns out, Chris and Melissa were just as awesome.com as I had expected, but in a totally accessible kind of way.  They were just so nice and their little girl was just so sweet that I let my guard down.  I forgot to be nervous for a minute and disaster struck.

Chris and Melissa related to me how much Emily liked things like rocks and sea shells and I got super excited because I also love things like rocks and sea shells.  I love them so much, in fact, that I had several big mason jars full of them in our spare bedroom.  Because I wanted Emily to think I was cool and I wanted to show Chris and Melissa how much they should love me, I decided to go get those jars to play with Emily.

So, in my infinite wisdom and desperation to be liked, I gave a ONE YEAR OLD a GLASS jar full of ROCKS.  Which promptly broke, leaving said ONE YEAR old in the middle of a pile of BROKEN GLASS.

Child endangerment on the first friend date.  Sigh.

And yet, nearly 7 years later, we found ourselves invited to a beach house in Huntington Beach, CA for a week, where Chris and Melissa now let me spend time around BOTH of their children.  Clearly, I had them convinced that my tendency for child endangerment was a fluke.

Except this time, they gave me a fighter kite.  A FIGHTER KITE on a WINDY DAY with two child TARGETS running around the beach below. The good news is, my aim was excellent and I hit one of the targets.  The bad news is, I seriously damaged a child when I hit one of the targets.

The kite went up in the air for all of about 17.6 second before it came straight back to earth like a heat seeking missile locked onto Emily’s eyeball.  Fortunately, Emily is a Trooper with a capital T and she promptly stood up, said, “I’m ok!” and then explained that she was only crying because she was using it as a natural defense mechanism to get the sand out of her eye.  (LOVE HER!)

So the kite attack resulted in a lovely shiner and big old scrape from the outside of Emily’s right eye, across her cheek, and ending at her nose.  On the day before her last day of school.  And now, Emily has this Harry Potter style scar to remind me how I’ve marked her like Voldemort.

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Who needs enemies with a friend like me?

And yet, I must be doing something right because the Lemas continue to trust me with their children.  And I must say, I am quite grateful for that because they are incredible!  And while I may be a bit nervous about damaging one or both of these awesome kids again, Chris and Melissa don’t seem terribly worried about it, and their faith in me feels pretty dang good…

Especially in Mexico 😉

 

The morning I cast a spell to open the milk.

Story Telling, , , , , , ,

This morning in Mexico, I was preparing a breakfast of Froot Loops and Zucaritas! (Frosted Flakes) for my two favorite niños, Emily and Christian.  In my very, very limited Spanish, I asked Emily, “Con leche?” With milk? To which she answered, “Si, por favor.”  Yes, please.  (Emily is very polite, even in Spanish… must be good parenting.)

So, I retrieved the carton of milk from the fridge, which was packaged in a very European-style box.  (Except obviously, this is also Mexican-style packaging.  I just didn’t realize it until now.)  Until this point, I had done everything with a flourish to entertain Christian and Emily.  Good morning, darlings, can I pour you a bowl of cereal for breakfast?  And which one would you like– we have honey nut cheerios, froot loops, and zu-ca-RI-tas!

But then I had to open the milk.

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Ok, self, you are a PhD-educated adult.  This carton of milk with NOT defeat you.  Use your super-sized problem-solving skills and big, fat, human brain to open this carton.  And while you’re doing it, turn your back to the kids so they don’t see you struggle.

But then I noticed it– LEVANTE!  Lev… lev… lev… wingardium LEViosa?  LIFT?!

Oh, I’m sorry, are you unfamiliar with Harry Potter?  There is a great scene in the first book/movie (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone) where Hermione schools Ron on this levitation spell.  It’s wingardium leviOsa not wingardium leviosA!

And yes, I thought of wingardium LEVisosa before I thought of LEVitate.  But think about that for kids… and the incredible impact that reading can have on a child’s capacity to understand words.  Words through context, words through roots, words through association.  That’s awesome!

I went to school for over 20 years and studied lots of different things, but I really think I learned most of the important life-kind-of-things that I know by reading books.  Good books and not-so-good books, I learn something from every single one…

Even spells!

 

(Whose the nerd now, Tom?!)

Dumbledore Says…

Awesome Things, , ,

Dumbledore-- light

I am a huge Harry Potter fan.  (Yes, you may have noticed a reference or two.)  I really identify with Hermione– from the books and the first movie, before they made her hair all sleek.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with sleek hair, it just makes it harder for me to relate.  Remember?)

In addition to wishing I could cast spells (I once pretended to unlock a drawer with a chopstick and an “Alohomora!” to which my brother, clever one that he is, promptly replied, “I’m a nerd-a!”  true dat…), I also think that the books have some really great lessons.  And who amongst all the characters is wiser than Albus Dumbledore?

No one!  That’s who!

The quotation above is one of my favorites, but there are so many.  One of the main reasons I look forward to having kids someday (in addition to love and joy and other feelings, blah, blah, blah…) is because I really, really want to read the entire Harry Potter series out loud.  Really.

With my central theme for the week being the idea of light, I thought this was appropriate.  And with that, I’m off to Mexico tomorrow to bask in light of magnificent proportions– hasta la vista!

 

(Also, trying not to get my hopes up too high (too late), but after Mexico we head to Florida for a few days (I know, my life, right?!) and there is a chance that we may have the opportunity to drive to Orlando for a visit to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  OMG!)

An announcement to stay tuned and a birthday wish!

Uncategorized

AHH!  You GUYS!  I am SO excited about Under the Tapestry’s inaugural Profile in Awesome coming up next Wednesday– trust me, you do not want to miss it!  Concerned that you might?  Pop your email address into the window to the right to subscribe or friend me on Facebook (Rachel Stankowski) or follow me on Twitter (@rachelstanski).

But for today… today….

Today is my Grandma Rita’s birthday!  Happy birthday, Grandma Rita!!

I think she’s turning about 60 or so… right, Grandma?  Regardless, she doesn’t look a day over 59!  The most important thing to know about my grandma is this:

There is nothing… NOTHING…  that feels better than being loved the way my Grandma Rita loves.

To be loved by my Grandma Rita is a privilege, a treat, an honor, a revelation, a lesson in how to live a good life.  She loves her family, she loves her friends, and she is willing to wrap just about anyone into that fold– as friend or family, no matter how you walk into her life or she walks into yours.

Big holidays are such a prime example.  It’s never odd for there to be a new significant other, friend, coworker, or neighbor without family of their own joining us at the table.  And never once have I seen my grandma put out by this– everyone is welcomed with open arms, big smiles, and lots of good conversation and amazing food (seriously, my Grandpa John’s fudge… to die for… and if my Aunt Debbi has baked something… oy, my mouth is watering).

In fact, my grandma is so welcoming that even people who join unexpectedly at Christmas are never forgotten by Santa.  I’ve been the odd man out before at someone else’s family Christmas, and it can be hard.  But when you come to my Grandma’s house at Christmas, Santa shows up with something in his bag specifically for you.  Like with your name on it.  I’ve seen the shock and joy on practical strangers faces time and time again.  But that’s what my Grandma Rita does.

Master story teller and published author, Pastel the clown, ringleader of the Wardcliff Kindergarten Circus, lifelong teacher and student, world traveler, and avid reader– a huge happy birthday to my beautiful Grandma Rita!

 

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By the way… I’m literally making homemade (like started from the dang tomatoes) ketchup right now. I’m the homeliest!!

Tom says that love loves to love love.

The Big Idea, , ,

Some days, it can feel like the entire world is Darth Vader, beckoning us to join him on the dark side.  And I get that because it’s true, there are a lot of sad things.  Bad things.  Mean, dark, catastrophic, tragic, and disturbing things out there in the world.  And that darkness can be so powerful.

But there are also so many people in this world with beautiful hearts.  People who drench the world in love and kindness, people whose radiance brightens even the darkest of corners, people who remind us that the best and most beautiful things grow up out of the dirt.

Today, Jeannett told us about how she’s helping her kids to cultivate kindness and to grow up to be good-hearted citizens of this world.

I want to raise kids like that– to care for the hearts, souls, and minds of others.  And I want to be like that, too.

Today, Chris explained that you don’t know what you don’t know about a person and you should act accordingly.

Word, Chris Lema!  There’s so much more to the people that surround us than we could possibly see at first glance.  Thanks so much for the reminder!!

Last night, Lara wrote a whole post meant to encourage you.

Seriously, how nice was it for Lara to use her insecure writer’s support group time to tell other people that they are awesome?!  Talk about giving back!

A couple days ago, Dawn shared some really beautiful words that have made an impact on her life.

Dawn literally shared the most beautiful contents of her hand-written journals and gave us all a way to carry those types of words around with us.

And finally, a heartbroken momma has chosen to use her grief to inspire so many through The 19 Days— a time to honor her beautiful baby girl, Avery, through random acts of kindness this October 5th through 24th.

I will be performing 19 random acts of kindness and with every one, I will think of that sweet little girl and her huge hearted mom and what an amazing force for GOOD both of them are in this world.

As my brother tells me James Joyce said, because I never would have known otherwise (Tom is very well-read), “Love loves to love love.”  And it’s so true.  Like water follows salt (it’s science), love follows love.  Kindness follows kindness.  And goodness follows gratitude.  (Maybe that’s science, too?)

These days, the negative is still there in the news and on my Facebook feed, but I’m listening more carefully and taking the time to be more observant of the quiet undertone of goodness and love beneath it all.  And I think that this is part of the Christmas present my dad created for my sister, brother, and I last year.  It was a beautiful slide show set to music in which he juxtaposed images of absolute disaster and tragedy with the powerful and unknowable presence of God.  If God’s not your thing, think love, spirituality, humanity, kindness… think everything good that is.  It’s always there, even when it seems like it’s not, like it couldn’t possibly be.  You just need to listen for it, look for it, try your hardest to feel it all around you.  If Bridget can find it through her daughter’s death and Chris can find it in an elevator on the way to deliver a speech, I imagine it can be found pretty much anywhere and everywhere.  What good luck!!

And sometimes, a little kindness toward yourself first can help you look later.  Pedicure, anyone?!

 

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