So, I might not be deep enough for today’s dealy-o.
“No one knows what lies ahead, when we say yes to God.” –Jan L. Richardson
Thing is, when I read that, I thought I got it. Maybe I do. You can tell me what you think. Maybe Joan just threw me for a loop.
“I can only trust that what lies ahead will be fuller, freer, than the present. I hope for a life that is my own, that has no false chains to bind me, that allows me to move like a butterfly on the wind and to stand, when necessary, like a lioness in high grass. I want a life that is directed by the call within myself– not by an institution, not even by what looks like the care and concern of others.” –Joan Chittister
So. First impression: when you follow your gut, heart, and mind… when you say yes to the things that were meant for you, things that feel right, speak to you, then you are really living. Then you can really end up someplace amazing– the place where you were meant to be.
But then what Joan said. I don’t know. Do I get it?
Does it matter?
The message I get– that pursuing your dream, ensuring that you are following your heart, listening to God’s whispers into your soul, it’s certainly not a bad one, by any stretch of the imagination.
Joan’s just deeper than me. And that’s ok.
Want to know something super weird?
I believe that what really lights me up, paradoxically, is interacting with people.
I don’t get it. I don’t actually like interacting with people. In theory for sure and generally in practice as well. But at work, I’m noticing a theme– I’m kind of good at it.
I talked a tribal elder through saving and attaching a document to an email over the phone yesterday. It took me 45 minutes. He called again this afternoon and we chatted about his drive to Antigo this morning (90 miles south you know– it was warm down there!) and then I talked him through a doodle poll. Huge progress! He did it correctly. I somehow had infinite patience and actually enjoyed talking him through it. I’m excited for our next conference call on Tuesday, that guy is just great!
Then, right before I left for the day, my caller ID flashed Price County Health Department and rather than flinch before answering like I usually do, I picked up the receiver with gusto (I swear, it was gusto) and happily talked a woman through a survey I recently designed in preparation for a grant. She was fascinating.
Similarly, despite the crazy nerves before hand, I’ve never loved my job as much as when I ran focus groups for foster families and for BBS families. The foster care ones were in person, I actually asked a Mennonite woman if I could hold her little boy and chatted with she and her husband while I did. The BBS focus groups were over the phone and I still remember half the participants’ names and talk about them with the other investigators as though they are my friends… because I loved them. I loved working with them, talking to them, getting their perspective so very much. Loved them so much that I actually wrote this statement in an email to a program officer the other day:
Given local availability of expertise in certain rare diseases and the technological capacity to advance research via enrollment of geographically dispersed participants and provision of intervention via telemedicine, it seems unconscionable that licensure issues between states should impede the conduct of translational research for diseases that have traditionally been very difficult to study and related improvements in care.
I care so much about this stuff, I have become downright evangelical about it. (Also, I’m super proud of the email I crafted. Fingers crossed it makes a difference somehow, somewhere, someday!)
But I’m not supposed to. I’m not supposed to like it, to care so much about it that I actually speak up, because I am an introvert and introverts don’t like interacting and normally I’m text book about that sort of thing.
Maybe saying yes to God… to my soul… to the thing that lights me up… somehow turned me into an ambivert. I guess we really can’t know what lies ahead, what will make us stand up like a lioness in high grass… or maybe just a writer neck deep in telemedicine licensure mumbo jumbo.
A woman I work with said something like that to me the other day– she’s the director of our Center for Community Outreach and started out as a community social worker, dealing with issues surrounding drugs of abuse and other life-threatening concerns. I don’t remember her words exactly, but it was something along the lines of, “Our careers sort of build themselves over time if we let them, don’t they?” And she was right. Assuming our career is our passion. Or whatever our passion may be. If we let go, let God, let it take it’s course, we’ll be amazed where we end up.
Interestingly, as I reach the end of this post, I realize that the couple sentences above basically amount to a review of a great book I read recently entitled Women Healers of the World by Holly Bellebuono— every one of the woman profiled in that book, ranging from a traditional midwife practicing in rural Mexico to a princess in Iran, followed her passion, heart, soul, spirit, God, and found her way to something fulfilling in the biggest way.
I see it in my mom; teaching lights her up. The mitochondria is a siren to my friend Michele; she cannot resist it’s tiny little “powerhouse of the cell” call and it’s impossible to miss her response to that little organelle. I saw it in a friend of some friends named BeBe who described the most circuitously interesting route to WordPress so complex that I couldn’t repeat it if I tried. I heard it when my friend Jess told me how the continent of Europe basically begged her to come wow them with her regulatory knowledge. I witness it all the time in my friend Marie as she works to change the face of what it means to be pro-life. These are all people answering God’s call for their lives. And you can tell, because they glow with it.
They are butterflies on the wind. It’s quite the sight.
So maybe I do get it after all. Just took some rolling it around in my mind. Isn’t it always like that? It’s too hard, it’s challenging, it’s thought-provoking, here are my thoughts, this is what I think, how I feel, what I believe.
Here we are, friends! It’s finally Wednesday and today is the day I promised you Under the Tapestry’s first Profile in Awesome! YAY!
Today, I would like to introduce you to my friend and yours: Aimee Rathbun. Aimee was my next door neighbor in the dorms at Michigan Tech and I loved her instantly. She is basically the definition of awesome and I want to scream it from the roof tops…
This blog is my roof top!
When I asked Aimee if she would be my first profile, her response was, and I quote, “Oh my fish, I’m so flattered!” The fish was an autocorrect, but I like it so much better than gosh. Let’s go with that.
So, here she is, Aimee in her own words– oh my fish!
Hi, Aimee! Thanks so incredibly much for agreeing to be my awesome guinea pig. I’m really excited about this little segment and you have been on my mind for a profile in awesome since the idea first started taking shape in the back of my mind. To start, why don’t you tell everyone a little bit about yourself… how do you typically describe YOU?
Well, I usually describe myself as slightly nerdy, I like to read and swim and ride bikes. I like photography and quilting and working on my house. I live in Alaska and I love it, but I miss the Great Lakes. I miss my family and friends too, of course. I bought a house, got a dog, joined a church, a swim club and a polo club– feels good to put down some roots!
One of the things that I find most awesome about you is your incredibly bravery. A few years back, you embarked on a huge journey when you packed up and moved to Alaska. Where did that kind of bravery come from and what was it like when you got there? Tell us about the adventure!
I know you’re going to tell me I’m eating too much “humble pie”, but I don’t feel like the move up here took as much bravery as people think. Part of the story of me ending up in Alaska has to do with moving to Flint, MI after I graduated from Tech. I don’t think I need to go into the exact reasons I hated living in Flint, but I hated it. I felt so trapped there. I disliked it immediately and was looking for a new job (in West Michigan, Wisconsin or Minnesota) for an entire year. Looking back, I was depressed. I think I was down enough that Alaska didn’t seem that scary, at least not compared to staying in a city I disliked, at a job I disliked and without any friends. I had to make a big change.
I had ended up in Flint because I was looking for a job in Michigan and Flint’s in Michigan. I was able to spend more time with my parents than I did while I was in Houghton and I was even close enough to watch some of my youngest brother’s swim meets during his senior year of high school. A few months after I started I met another new engineer, Katie, who happened to have moved in across the parking lot from me! Eventually she introduced me to one of her friends, who lived in Alaska and ended up sending me a job posting for a job up there. I went “ha ha, yeah right” and then immediately thought “wait… I guess… maybe… why not?”
Anyway, it turned into the most amazing 6 months of my life– interviewing and visiting Alaska for the first time (in the winter!), quitting my job and leaving Flint, taking a few months off to travel, driving to Alaska with all my worldly possessions in the back of my Jetta and starting a new life up in Fairbanks. There are so many things I could say about that time. It was just such a blessing to be able to spend time with family and friends– I spent a week in Mexico with Adriane, a week in Houghton for Winter Carnival with my brothers and friends and a week in Florida visiting my grandma and aunt. And everything fell into place so marvelously. I ended up in Fairbanks with neither a map nor a place to stay (my first stop was a Wendy’s with wi-fi) and a week later I had an apartment and a bike. One day I even thought “I wish I had a pull chain for the ceiling fan, I wonder where you even find those in stores.” Thirty seconds later I parked the car, opened the door, and sitting in the packed snow of the parking lot, between my door and the car, was a pull chain. Whether it was coincidences, gut feelings or God, I’ve never felt more blessed or more like someone was looking over me than I did those 6 months.
When you moved to Alaska, you didn’t know very many people. You are super lovable and I’m sure people took to you right away, but how did you go about putting yourself out there to make friends and develop a social network in your new home?
So I knew one person in the state when I moved up here, and I ended up dating him. And then we broke up… and I was sad and lonely and quickly realized I was at least 4000 miles from my friends and family. Earlier I said I didn’t feel that brave moving to Alaska… well, this is what took some serious bravery. I let myself mope for a week or two and spent some time at open swim (when the going gets tough, I swim). I started trying out churches. I found a masters swimming group, tried it and loved it. During the announcements I heard about the water polo club. So I went. I visited a church I loved. After church I drove to a quilt shop in town and signed up for a beginning quilting class. I was totally uncomfortable in these new social situations but I’m a firm believer in “fake it till you make it*.” (*I don’t generally think people should be “fake”, but I mean smile and be friendly even if you’re nervous and feeling awkward… soon enough you’re not even faking it.) Even though I didn’t make any lasting friendships in quilting class, I’ve amassed an amazing support network of friends through swimming, water polo and church.
Tell me about adopting your sweet pup, Bentley. What does she mean to you?
Bentley brings so much joy and love into my life! I met a few dogs at the Anchorage shelter but Bentley was so soft and calm and quiet. All she wanted was a belly rub! I think she sleeps in my bed most of the day and I’ve heard “I’ve never seen a dog sleep so much” so I think she’s the right fit for my quiet life and small house. She’s covered in big and small scars. Her vets and I don’t know where they came from, but I have a feeling it was a run-in with a car or other dogs (or both!). She cracks me up and makes me smile all the time. When I have a bad day and am feeling road-ragey or crabby, I walk into the house, hang up the keys and look at this sweet dog wagging her tail so hard that it’s whipping her eyes and she’s squinting up at me… and my heart just melts. When I feel like the worst person, she looks at me like I’m the best. She’s taught me about unconditional love and how to take care of someone other than myself… all very important things.
I know you love to read and I always enjoy your recommendations (I’ve read Peace Like a River twice now and adored The Snow Child). How do you choose what you’re going to read next and what do you like most about reading? What are some of your favorite books ever? Do you ever re-read books?
I’ve always loved to read– my mom used to panic when it’d take me 30 minutes to walk 3 blocks home from elementary school because I was reading the whole way! My parents read to us a lot when we were little, and I think Mom recommended Peace Like a River to me in high school. I loved the story when I read it back then and really valued the relationships between the siblings and their dad. When I re-read it again a year or 2 ago, I was able to focus on the religious part of it. Another favorite is Life of Pi, just because there’s so much to think about in that one too. I generally don’t re-read books (though I’ve read Peace Like a River and Life of Pi twice each) unless it’s an accident. There are just too many I haven’t read yet! Now I’m in a book club, so that helps a ton with finding things to read. Often they pick books I’d never choose for myself, and I love that. I think my favorite books are ones where I can totally picture the setting or the characters… I’m an engineer so I’m not good at describing literary things but at the beginning of the Time Traveler’s Wife, the author describes a meadow in southern West Michigan. I was reading it in an airport and I swear I could SMELL that meadow! Most of the books I like are more uplifting and magical. I feel depressed when I read too many sad books in a row.
One of my favorite things about you is your family– you Rathbuns are so fascinating and super fun! I’ve never met a happier family! Tell me about your mom and dad (best love story ever!) and those brothers of yours! What was it like growing up a Rathbun and how did your family impact the person you are today?
Well, my parents met when they were both student janitors in McNair Hall at Michigan Tech. We grew up visiting the UP, wearing Tech clothes and talking nerdy around the dinner table. I have 2 younger brothers and despite my parents’ best efforts to un-brainwash us, we all ended up going to Michigan Tech too! My middle brother is an amazing geological engineer with people skills I’ve always been envious of. He lives in Vancouver, BC with his lovely wife (my new sister!). My youngest brother is a computer whiz who used to count binary with my mom at the dinner table. He’s living on the east side of Michigan with his boyfriend. Our family has always been full of love and laughter. In the past few years we’ve gone through lots of transitions– kids growing up and moving away, my youngest brother surprising us when he came out, adding a spouse into the mix, my parents moving out of my childhood home, etc.– but through it all nothing’s changed. OK, so we travel a lot more to see each other and we need a few extra chairs at family dinners, but wherever we are still feels like home when we’re together and we love each other unconditionally.
Pretty please brag a little bit about your quilting… (and photo evidence would be awesome, if you wouldn’t mind me sharing some!) How did you get into quilting and how did you learn? From your mom? What is your favorite quilt? And what do you enjoy about it?
My mom had taught me how to sew and she learned from her mom (my dad’s mom sewed a lot too!). My Grandma J is a prolific quilter– she made a quilt for each of her 30-some grandkids and then many, many other ones. Mom made all of our halloween costumes and used to hem my pants for me but wasn’t ever really a big quilter. In Fairbanks, I found a Singer sewing machine at a garage sale (“I’ll give it to you for $15 if you take it before my wife gets back.”) and actually put it in a pannier on my bike and rode it home! About a year later I took a quilting class and found my current machine at an estate sale and I’ve been unstoppable since then! I even taught my mom a few tricks (rotary cutting and lots of starch!) and she’s enjoying quilting a lot more. Every time I am making a quilt, I’m thinking about my Mom and Grandma and the recipient of the quilt. I think it’s a lot like praying!
My favorite quilt is a quilt my mom, grandma and I made for Walt and Leanne’s wedding. We asked all their friends and family to send us a scrap of fabric and Mom, Grandma and I sketched out ideas on the back of a Big Boy placemat. We ended up making a patchwork background of 6″ squares with 5 or 6 bigger applique blocks of flowers. Finally, we appliqued vines, leaves and flowers over the patchwork. The white flowers on the vines are apple blossom (For Walt, Michigan’s state flower) and pacific dogwood (for Leanne, British Columbia’s provincial flower). The flower blocks have meanings too! Grandma and Mom did most of the applique (I have no patience for hand sewing!) and Mom came to AK to help me put together the top. So many people sent such sweet notes with the fabric that I actually scanned and cataloged the notes and fabric from each person, and starched, ironed and cut each square (and there are a lot of squares!). I even made a book– it has pictures of us making the quilt and then the back is the fabric and notes. I love knowing where each fabric in a quilt came from so I wanted them to be able to have a reference.
Tell me about your love of nature and passion for photography… I definitely remember Copper Country Cruising with you, my hands on your steering wheel as you leaned out the driver’s side window to snap pictures. And even now, my office features eight of the gorgeous pictures you took of the UP. Is that part of the draw in Alaska– the great outdoors?
Ha! I don’t remember that but I don’t doubt it either! Probably better than what I do on the Mackinaw Bridge though (stick my head out the window to look down the grate WITHOUT anyone grabbing the wheel!). I don’t know what my draw to photography is but I do know Sunday I drove to church wearing hot pink sunglasses (with rosy, polarized lenses) and I thought “I wish I could capture this and share it!” Bright sun and fall colors against dark clouds and everything was extra intense with those sunglasses! Sometimes I wonder if I should just enjoy it, instead of working so hard to try and capture it to keep it forever… who knows. I love capturing patterns and colors and things most people don’t stop to look at. I can also totally tell my state of mental health based on the pictures I take. I took very few pictures in Flint and the ones I did seem brown and gloomy to me. In good times the colors are vibrant and bold (I’ve taken some awesome ones this year!).
And, of course, as a woman in STEM I can’t help but talk up your career a bit. Civil engineering is clearly your professional calling. I’ve never met a person more excited about sewer systems than you! What attracted you to civil engineering? What do you enjoy about your day job? Do you ever feel like it matters that you are a woman on the job?
I benefited greatly from “Take Your Daughter to Work Day!” I spent the morning watching my mom working on a computer and playing with a label maker. I spent the afternoon traipsing through a construction site with my dad. My Dad’s a civil engineer too, so I think I was just kinda always around it. Now that I think about it, my first sentence was “why man put dat dirt dere?” so maybe it was always meant to be. And the last time I was home I got a tour of my dad’s latest project– basically they’re building a building INSIDE a building I remember visiting when it was built!
I guess I’ve gotten used to being in the minority as a woman. I have 2 brothers and no sisters, I was the only girl in my section in band, I was one of 3-5 women in my civil classes (of about 50) in college… so it doesn’t feel weird or unusual to me and I’ve learned to hold my own. Also, I was raised to believe I could do anything I set my mind to, so I’ve never really felt limited by being a woman. I’ve come across supervisors who believe women can’t be engineers (you know, because our brains are different) but I’ve been fortunate that they’ve never been my direct supervisors (or I didn’t know it!). Actually, half of the civil department here is female.
This year I had someone (not at my company) say to me “yeah, you’re a woman, I know how you are, I’ve married 4 of ’em.” I couldn’t even take it personally– in fact, it makes me laugh. He has no idea what I’m like! (Also, maybe he doesn’t know women as much as he thinks considering his track record!)
Finally, tell me about five things that you love, excluding Under the Tapestry, of course 😉
My loving and supportive family and friends
Seriously. Do you see how awesome Aimee is?!
In addition to the brilliant responses she provided, Aimee also added this quote:
In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, that…In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger, something better, pushing right back. (Albert Camus)
Aimee was recently in Madison for a special course in super secret sewer stuff. (Ok, maybe not super secret, but it was sewer-related.) Since a trip to Madison is much more manageable than a trip to Alaska, a third friend from Minneapolis (our RA, Adriane!) swung through Marshfield to pick me up and we headed down to Madison for a weekend of fun. But not just fun…
On Saturday morning, Aimee, Adriane, and I went to a super cute little diner (Daisy’s, maybe?) and had breakfast followed by homemade cupcakes… because even breakfast should come with dessert when you’re with girlfriends. We had a blast catching up and I think even our waitress was excited about us getting the chance to catch up because our cupcakes were on the house! Icing on the (cup)cake, as they say!
In the 12 years that I’ve known her (whaaat?! 12 years?!), Aimee has reminded me time and time again of how important it is to follow your heart. She reminds me of the beauty in this world, even in the dead of winter, and that fun that can be found even in the mundane (it was Aimee’s pink plastic bunny, after all). So, Aimee, thank you for being a friend (a la the Golden Girls theme song) and thank you even more for sharing your awesomeness with my blog friends!!!