Radio Silence

Remember that time, a couple weeks ago, when I was all “ha ha ha! I made up a funny song about winter and I love the Muppets and Lambchop and stuff…” Remember? To be perfectly honest with you, that was kind of like a desperate attempt at keeping my head above water.

One last gasp before I went down.

And down I went. Into depression, like quicksand.

Too many metaphors, Cho (that’s what my brother used to call me, pacifier hanging out of his mouth, and sometimes I call myself that in my head). Water, sand, sinking, it’s all too much. But none of it’s clear to me either. Because depression is like that.

Suddenly, or perhaps not so suddenly, but eventually, I was unable to muster up the energy necessary to do even basic daily things… forget about writing (for fun– I didn’t want to get fired after all, but even writing at work was hard). I mostly just sat around, laid around, moped around. For quite a while.

Things are back on the up and up, the sun is shining a bit more often, some of my flowers are blooming (some— it is Wisconsin, after all), and I feel like my mood is making some progress.

Crocuses are done… now I’ve got blooming hyacinth, but only one daffodil so far. Enough rain, need more sun!

I had a therapy appointment today and it was pretty good. He helped me to realize that it wasn’t an all of the sudden thing, but rather a series of relatively big stressors in rapid succession (as an example, I had to cancel my last therapy appointment because I had to go to the dermatologist to have my crazy hands taken care of and I had to take Curls to the vet because her pin sites were oozing… so there’s that) and I have a plan for continuing forward (you know, time spent outdoors, learning to (gulp) meditate, and blogging).

Ultimately, I know that my life is a good life and I have a million and four reasons to be really, really happy. But I also know that sometimes my neurons don’t fire quite right and even getting out of bed in the morning (or off the couch or floor in the afternoon or evening) is unreasonably difficult. I don’t know why it happens, but I know that it will probably always happen, off and on. So I have to baby step my way out of it.

What then, pray tell, ought my bloggy baby steps be?

Amazing things, that’s what. Things worthy of my obsessive attention, anyway. Amazing is relative, after all.

I posted some tough stuff recently and I broke my soul or something. (Also, I’m crazy over-dramatic.) So for now, a little bit of positive. I started a list of A to Z amazing things that I’m super (read: overly) into in a way that was totally inspired by my friend Lara’s April A to Z Challenge… but very, very late. Because now it’s May and I feel like I can move my fingers again.

I can’t make promises regarding frequency or consistency, but I will do my best. So join me, will you? And soon we can discuss everything from General Lee’s surrender at the Appamatox Courthouse (also The Alligator and apple butter) to the deliciously hilarious Derrick Zoolander (what is this?! a center for ants?!!).


Most importantly, thanks for hanging around despite my recent silence. Either people still check in every once in a while or I have a LOT of bot traffic. Because I can’t tell the difference, it totally makes me feel good. So thanks, whoever you are, bot or not-bot, you’re awesome to me and I appreciate it! (For the bots out there, that’s: beep-boop-beep-beep-boop.)

Curly doesn’t seem to mind all the moping 🙂

8 thoughts on “Radio Silence

  1. _There_ you are! I was getting worried!

    Glad to see your pixels again. I’m sorry you’re feeling low. I hope your mood starts to improve as you work on the plan you and your therapist created. I’m always here if you need a chat, or I could tell you one of my lame jokes (When you’re cold, go stand in the corner. Why? Because it’s 90 degrees there! )

    Can’t wait to read your A to Z topics! It could be a total Zoolander theme (A is for Ambi-turner, B is for Blue Steel, C is for cosmetics…).

  2. A is for Amazing, Alluring Abby who is Always Absolutely Amusing. B is for my Boy-child, Tom, who’s Beatific, Beguiling Boisterousness Boggles my Brain. C is for Cho, Cha, RaCha, RaCh, RaChel, who’s Considerable Compassion Creates Calm amid Chaos. Her Cerebral Classiness inspires Confidence. Coincidentally, I Adore my Children!

  3. I love hearing what you have to say! And I’m not checking in all the time, but you’re in my reader– wouldn’t want to miss a post!

  4. Remember when we lived at Summit Hills and every time we went out we would come home and watch Zoolander? Except for sometimes when it was Napoleon Dynamite or The Life Aquatic….
    Basically, I second Lara’s idea… D is for Derek, E is for eugoogoly, F is for fashion….

  5. Hang in there sweetie! I’m glad that you are seeing a therapist and am especially glad to see your blog posts. I love your picture!

  6. Love this and all your words as usual, courageous, compassionate, honest, realistic and positive. Love it. I think it must be very realistic to “affect/crack your soul” as any kind of artist would probably agree…. But remember:

    Ring the bells that still can ring
    Forget your perfect offering
    There is a crack in everything
    That’s how the light gets in
    Leonard Cohen

  7. So happy to hear from you! But not happy that you weren’t just busy with work. My ability to cope with anything out of the ordinary drops dramatically when I haven’t seen the sun and I can’t go outside and play.
    Baby steps …baby step onto the elevator… baby step into the elevator… I’m *in* the elevator.

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