A Scientifically Sound Algorithm for Calculating Your Ideal Weight

I have always been a big fan of my little brother’s sense of humor. It’s like Will Ferrel, Carl Sagan, Andy Samberg, and Friedrich Nietzsche got together to have one, very tall, very skinny, very fascinating love child… and that is my brother. (Steve Martin and Bill Murray are his exceptionally influential God-parents, in case you were wondering.)

We don’t get to chat terribly often, but when we do, it’s always good. (Especially when it’s a long text conversation that involves cyber-bullying our sister… but that’s another story for another day.) When the Superbowl got Superboring this Sunday we struck up one such conversation and although it never really ended, I went to bed.

Such glorious things were waiting for me when I woke up!

First: a list of genius movies for a Vonck-style film fest. Ummm, yes please! Where do I sign up?

You so want to come, don't you?!
You so want to come, don’t you?!

Still not the point though– (and I am taking my sweet time getting there, aren’t I???)

The final text awaiting me on Monday morning was a novel and brilliant way to think about your ideal weight (my brother– he gets me, you see) and I couldn’t get it out of my head all day. I believe my brother and the person he quoted were on to something spectacular, and I would like to propose this genius algorithm as the ultimate way to calculate your ideal weight.

The holy grail of health and happiness!

And it starts with considering how much you love puppies. Because of course.

First, on a scale of 0 – 10, how much do you love puppies? That’s your input:

Ideal Weight Algorithm

The algorithm output is your ideal weight and it’s actually a very simple calculation.

Say, for example, on a scale of 0 – 10, the amount you love puppies is 8. Then your ideal weight is simply the weight of you holding 8 puppies.

Let’s try another example, if the amount you love puppies is 5, then your ideal weight is the weight of you holding 5 puppies.

It even works if you don’t like puppies (for the love of all that is holy– what is wrong with you?! but no judgement…). In that case, your ideal weight is the weight of you holding zero puppies, and you’re there!

So the actual algorithm inspiration was this quote that my brother sent: “My ideal weight is the weight of me holding eight puppies.” Tom’s addition: “I think that’s a level of physical and emotional and psychological comfort everybody should strive for in so many different ways… in all of the ways.”


My sister responded with these:

ooooooo... mmmmmm... ggggggg...
ooooooo… mmmmmm… ggggggg…

But seriously, puppies are amazing. And puppies do not care what you look like for even a second— not even one! To a puppy in your arms, you are at your ideal weight. No need to worry! And that’s probably the best attitude you could take about it. The puppy attitude.

If you’ll excuse me please, I need to gain same pound(puppie)s…


(Seriously, that was a genius play on words, was it not?!)


9 thoughts on “A Scientifically Sound Algorithm for Calculating Your Ideal Weight

  1. I’m famous!

    Pretty interesting that you and Abby have the same ideal weight… current + 7 puppies. ([Dr. Evil’s voice] “We’re not so different, you and I…”)
    I’m more of a kitten guy myself and think that my ideal weight would be somewhere in the range of a shirt… a shirt of kittens, like in that Hane’s t-shirt commercial. My face would be licked a lot less than if they were puppies and that’s… well, that’s just okay in my book.

    But really, you may have exaggerated a bit – I’m flattered, but a little embarrassed. I mean, I’m not thaaat tall.

    ‘Twas a fun conversation!

    (Abby, you better be watching Love Actually right. this. second. You’ve got some ‘splaining to do for your lack of BritRomCom trivia… we should have assigned you one-page paper as punishment with the prompt: “according to Love Actually, where is love, actually?”) …Just Kidding! (I would probably end up writing it for you, anyway.

    Thanks for the post, Rach! I love you!


    P.S. Just kidding, Abby! I love you!

    1. D’oh! I swear I proofread that! (Forgetting to close parentheses is upsetting to me. It’s like when a sentence ends abruptly while reading out loud and you don’t have time to change the tone…)
      …at least I caught the big one: missed an “r” the second time I used the word “shirt.” Check that one out in context… Ha!

    2. If kittens are your thing, than kittens it is! Seems sound to me! Personally, I don’t mind puppy kisses one bit 🙂

      I’m waiting on that essay from Ab– no kidding here!

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